When I repeat the Buddhist Maitri meditation, “May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I live with ease,” I cry big fat tears of joy. I no longer hear the voice of Prozac chanting, “May you be numb. May you be quiet. May you be dull. May you be lonely. May you withdraw from the world. May you stand in the presence of those you love only to find yourself isolated, angry, and confused.”
I took Prozac for 20 years. From 1992 until just a few months ago, I danced with this bitch, denying my true self, the intergrated, beautiful, dynamic, vibrant Self who thrives on intimacy and truth, in order to live “The Flatline” According to Prozac, feelings are your enemy. Conversations with others are meant to be light, frivolous, feigning closeness, but never crossing into the realm of intimacy. The people in my life were two-dimensional, cartoon figures whom I placed appropriately on the screen of my life. My daughter, my son, my husband, “my friends,” my fellow teachers, my students…all arranged in an orderly manner.
AVOID CONFLICT. AVOID SADNESS. AVOID ANXIETY. DANGER. DANGER. In the world of Prozac vivid feelings signal danger, a relapse into self-indulgence. No one wants to be around a self-absorbed, anxious, sad person. Be happy. But there is no happiness with Prozac. Life on Prozac is productive. Show up. Do your job. Be polite. Do not make a fuss. Blend in. Do not question authority. Stay calm. Focus. Be a good worker bee. Above all, do not listen to the voices within.
Prozac is a stalker. It lurks in the shadows waiting for joy and exuberance to arise. At any sign of their presence, General Prozac snapped the command: Attack. Kill those feelings. Too close to the heart. Cannot make contact with the heart. Stay in the head. Only the head is safe. Work. Do you work. Be successful. Give yourself completely to your job. Ignore feelings of alientation and ennui. You are an important cog in the wheel. Oil up, show up and give more. We need you. The world needs you.
Then I met Bob, my therapist, who asked, “Why do you take Prozac? What happens when you stop taking this drug?”
And I heard myself reply, “I have strong emotions. I feel irritable. I am easily annoyed. I cry. I cry a lot. And then I feel guilty so I withdraw.”
Bob smiled. “How do the things you just mentioned make you different from anyone else? We are all confused. We are all fragile and sometimes fearful. Perhaps your feelings are a messages from deep within. What would happen if you listened to these voices instead of pushing them down?”
My eyes flooded with tears. My heart cried out in joy. I heard it loud and clear. Listen. Listen. I love you.
I heard Bob ask, ” What just happened?”
I feel alive. I feel hopeful. I just had a glimpse of myself, of me, the real me. I have not seen or heard her for so long. I don’t know how to describe what it is. Joy? Happiness? Hope?
And, right then and there, I knew I would never take Prozac again. No matter how messy my life gets, I will no go back to pretending that I am alive. I am alive. I am alive.
Writing into the Light 