My Hopes and Dreams

I have been a yogi for 27 years. I came to the practice desperately seeking relief from depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.  I am grateful to report that my efforts have been rewarded.  I am no longer plagued by these demons.

I have also been successful in quitting smoking.  I started smoking at the ripe age of 11, stealing packs of cigarettes from my stepmother’s cartons which she carelessly left lying on her makeup table.  by the time I reached college I was a pack a day gal. I tried for years to quit, but always went back to the nicotine.  It had a strangle hold on me.  Then, miraculously, I realized that smoking interfered with my ability to breath deeply, therefore preventing me from receiving the powerful benefits of pranayama, the extension and control of the breath.  I surrendered my addiction to cigarettes to God praying for the courage to quit. When I wanted to smoke, I meditated or practiced asana instead.  It worked.

Now I am committing to do the same with alcohol.  If you read my first blog, you are aware of my struggles with this addictive substance.  My first yoga teacher, Felicity Green, told me that we are only as sick as our secrets.  I gave up alcohol for 10 years and then decided that a glass of wine would not be a problem.  To this day I rue that decision.  Alcohol does not prevent me from doing my job.  I do not go to bed every night drunk, but I do depend on my daily dose of wine.  I look forward to it all day and when 5:00 pm  comes, I reach for my favorite wine glass.  Sometimes I stop at two glasses.  Other nights I drink more.

Why do I want to stop?  Because I have learned through the teachings of yoga that the culmination of the practice of this ancient art is moksha, freedom from.  I want to be free from everything that I think I cannot live without. The Yoga Sutras define Vairagya as non-attachment (1.15), learning to let go of the many attachments, aversions, fears, and false identities that are clouding the true Self. I want to have the courage to face my demons without using a substance to separate me from my true feelings.  Yoga has also taught me that I am a being of light and that in order to be fully illuminated, I must practice with faith and devotion.  I feel that alcohol separates me from my true self, from my soul, therefore it prevents me  from hearing the song of my soul.  I long to hear that voice.

So today I commit to 40 days without alcohol, but more importantly, I commit to practicing mediation, pranayama and asana on every single one of these days. This devotion to practice is called Abhyasa.    As defined in the Yoga Sutras, abhyasa means having an attitude of persistent effort to attain and maintain a state of stable tranquility (1.13). To become well established, this needs to be done for a long time, without a break (1.14). From this stance the deeper practice continues to unfold, going ever deeper towards the direct experience of the eternal core of our being.  I will make daily entries into this blog.  I promise to be brutally honest about this process, sharing with all of you, what I believe to be the true journey of yoga.  Yoga is moving from one place to a better place.  It is the union of body, mind and spirit.  Yoga is the process of making what once seemed impossible, possible.  I am putting my total faith in this practice and all that it promises.