Alcoholic Narcissism

Start where you are.  Right here.  Right now.  Sunday morning, December 15, 2013 at 7:00 am.  Start where you are.  When writing morning pages it is important to keep writing, not to stop not to worry about punctuation or if it makes any sense.  So i decided this morning to try it on my computer and post it on my blog.  It is hard to type and not look up to see if I am misspelling words.  Oh well.

I did not drink last night.  Something is shifting.  I went out to dinner with my son, Jordan, before going to see The Nutcracker,.  Fabulous performances by all.We ate at Flight.  The waitress asked, “Do you want a cocktail or a glass of wine?”  Without thinking I said no I will not be drinking tonight.  I did not feel deprived or self-righteous.  I simply did not want to drink.  We had a lovely meal.  But back to the drinking. I cannot remember a time that I said no to a drink when really I wanted to say yes.   I mean when I have said no, I do not want a drink, my mind has screamed yes, yes you do want a glass of wine but it is best for you not too have one.  You cannot stop.  You will be tired.  You drank too much last night.  You said you were NOT going to drink today.  Do you wan to be like your mother?   You are driving.  Do not drink.

Not last night.  I did not WANT a drink.  Yesterday I thought long and hard about the after effects of drinking.  I wrote earlier in the week that I want to feel good every day.  I want to be clear, steady, and calm.   Well forget that.  If I drink there is none of that.  Yesterday was not awful even though I felt like shit.  It was not  awful because I observed every nuance of how I felt.  I treated my hang over as scientific experiment.  I collected data and, at the end of the day, the statistics definitely did not  favor alcohol consumption.

What does all that mean to me today?  Keep following the questions.  Start where you are in this moment.  Gratitude for my connection to yoga, to my practices especially meditation which gives me the ability to cultivate unbiased observation.  My friend Cyndi Lee wrote last week, Roshi Joan says meditation creates “balanced attention.”Stripping away the mummified skin of my mother, peeling it off my body and suctioning it out of mind, has opened up a bigger perspective.   My drinking has nothing to do with Sally Ellen Kistler Sinclair Smith. ( I do not know the last names of her other 2 husbands.)  My drinking, my relationship, my attitude, the consequences I suffer when I drink, and the amount I drink are unrelated to her.  My mother, according to multiple therapists with whom I have worked, suffered from alcoholic narcissism.

According to an article in Wise Geek written by C.B fox,

A narcissistic alcoholic suffers from both narcissistic personality disorder and alcoholism. These two conditions do not always occur simultaneously, though they can easily feed into one another, exacerbating each conditions. In order to be diagnosed as a narcissistic alcoholic, a medical or psychological professional must evaluate a patient’s health and behavior. The basic symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include an unhealthy and distorted view of the self as better than others and above criticism. Coupled with alcoholism, this can lead to the incorrect belief that a person’s drinking is under control and is not harming either the alcoholic or loved ones.

There are a variety of different symptoms that a narcissistic alcoholic can display. Some of the more common ones are the belief that the person is better than others, even in the face of contrary evidence. People who are narcissistic may react badly when criticized or when another person bests them, even at a friendly game. When a person with this disorder is faced with these situations, alcohol may be a refuge that allows the person to hide from reality.

A person who is a narcissistic alcoholic may also disregard the feelings, opinions, or needs of others. Family may confront the alcoholic and explain how the person’s drinking is harming those around them, but the person with this disorder may react as if it is everyone else who has a problem. The narcissistic alcoholic may dismiss the concerns of loved ones as irrelevant or incorrect, claiming that the drinking is under control, is not a problem, or that if it does hurt others, that these people should learn to deal with it.

I have spent a lifetime observing these behaviors in me.  I know every one of us has the capacity for every possible behavior.  I also know that through meditation, therapy and self observation it is possible to heal and cultivate balance, freedom, joy and compassion. Compassion is not my strong suit.  I admit displaying an attitude of disregard to others feelings.  When my daughter, Katie, was ten or eleven, she went on a bicycle ride with her father.  They rode down Morningside Drive, a beautiful secluded street in midtown Memphis.  Unbeknownst to Katie, there were multiple speed bumps on this street.  She hit one fast, flew over the handle bars, and landed on the concrete.

Jackie brought her right home.  Instead of showing her mercy, I was angry.  She was so hurt and rightly so.  “Mom, you do not have a compassionate  bone in your body.” I modeled the behavior I learned as a child.  When any one of the six of us siblings got sick or hurt, my father yelled at us. “God Damn it, I do not have the money to pay for another  fu _king doctor’s visit.  Why can’t you be more careful.”  Or,  “It’s just a sore throat.  Get over it.”  In the second grade I developed a cough that persisted for months. I never received medical attention.  Later, when applying for a health card I needed to work as a waitress,  the x-ray revealed I had scaring from histoplasmosis.  The doctor told me I probably contracted it as a child.

My first yoga teacher, Felicity Green, told me to cultivate compassion.  She said, “You have little or no compassion for others.  Work on being kind, loving,and generous.”  Foreign words to my ears.  My first response when hurt is to retaliate.  I now have the skill not to react, but the reflex remains ingrained.  I have to pray, “Divine Mother, clear my heart of all hatred, anger and resentment.  Please heal my broken relationships.”  I am trying now to make amends to two people in my life, my sister, Carrie, and a friend from whom I am estranged.   I have reached out to both and each has declined contact.  I understand.  There is a long history of being harshness, judgement and distancing.  Compassion.  May I be compassionate.

I will not drink today.