Losing Things…..So be it.

In a phone conversation with my friend, Diann, the subject of loss poked up its testy little head.  I am sure men experience loss as well, but, I feel that life as a woman, delves deep in to the crevaces of, what I like to call “surrender.”   When I gave myself to my first husband in marriage, when I offered him my hand, I forfeited my name.  I payed homage to the God of our society, the idol that beseeches us to cleve unto our husbands, to forsake all others and become one with HIM.   Having done that twice, I chose not to give up that or anything else when I married my third and final husband.  He would have preferred that I defer to a more traditional view, but I did not.  So be it.

But I jump ahead.  As young girls, we, or at least my generation, gave up our power to men.  My mother made it very clear, “Boys do not like girls that are too smart or too bossy.  Be nice to them and they will be nice to you.”  Okay.  But I was smart and bossy and somehow I still managed to always have a boyfriend.  I did not want to lose…..yes, that thing they all want, for us to give our bodies to them.  I messed around, went as close as possible to “going all the way” without doing it, but kept what was rightfully mine until I was really ready to share, key word here is share, my body with another person.

When I did meet the boy I wanted to marry, to be intimate with until “death do us part,” he would not go all the way until we got married.  Big mistake!  Should have had sex with that one first.  We never did quite get the hang of it.  Probably the main reason I left him.

Second husband…good sex, bad marriage and kids.  Here is where the losing gets really juicy.  I lost my mind to a man I loved, but who was unfaithful and I lost my body to the child  I carried in my womb.  A wonderful, amazing, powerful girl child who came reluctantly into the world, but then took it by storm.  To bring her here, I gave up cigarettes, caffeine, alcohol and my girlish figure.  They say it comes back and mine did after years of hard work. But back to that baby.  Gave up way too much in an attempt to love her in a way that I had not been loved.  It back fired. I stayed home and tried to be a super mom.  Big mistake.  I resented her and she knew it.  I needed a life and she needed a mother.  Thank God she is not making the same mistake with her little girl.   So be it.

Then I lost my self respect.  Rather than dealing with the consequences of my choice to marry a theatre mogul, I drank….way to much.  I had affairs…too many, even an abortion.  I still regret that.  Losing self respect is probably the worst and most destructive of all the losses I have experienced.  Took me years of therapy to get it back.  I will never do that again.

Wow…Think that is enough about loss for now.  Thing is when I started practicing yoga I learned that life is change.  We only suffer when we attach to the way we think things are supposed to be.  We ask for sweet ice tea and the world gives us unsweetened lemonade.  What is a girl to do?

I could go on and on about loss all night long.  Loss of my youth, loss of wonder, loss of freedom, loss of…..you name and we loose it.  The key is to remember not to attach to anything: not to think you have to have a person or any specific thing to live.  Life is full and wonderful in this moment with exactly what you have now.  You may get more.  You may lose what you have.  Trust that you are empowered from within and that you have everything you need and always will.  I promise.  You do.

“All I want is a little respect,  baby, just a little bit.  R E S P E CT, find out what it means to me.”  Aretha Franklin.

You go girl.

Why not Learn to Meditate?

If you were to ask me, what is the one thing, the one practice that you do that has the most impact on your life?”  I would have to say, meditation.  I have been meditating for over 20 years.  I admit that I have not been 100% consistent, but I have meditated enough to know that when I I do not practice, my life gets even messier than it already is.  If you are already a meditator, keep it up.  If you have yet to practice meditation, here are the steps.

The following information is excerpted directly from the Himalayan Institute website. This website is an incredible resource for information pertaining to yoga and meditation as well as the many humanitarian projects that the Institute sponsors.  If you have any questions about meditating or about my connection to the Institute, please feel free to contact me by commenting on this post or by email:  sarla@mistownyoga.com

“Meditation is not part of any religion; it is a science for calming yourself, resting the mind, systematically exploring your inner dimensions and fathoming all levels of yourself to finally experience that center of consciousness within… Commit to yourself, to your path, and to the goal of knowing yourself.”
by Swami Rama

 

Meditation progresses in 5 stages:

1. Stillness in Body

To begin to glimpse that tranquil space deep within you, work from the gross (physical) body inwards, refining your focus to more and more subtle energies. That means starting with a comfortable, grounded sitting posture that is effortless and steady. It’s fine to sit on a chair if you are not comfortable cross-legged on the floor. The important thing is to maintain a straight spine with a minimum of effort. On the floor, support the pelvis and the knees with cushions or neatly folded blankets so the thighs relax and the lower back doesn’t collapse.

2. Diaphragmatic Breathing

To further quiet your body and mind, cultivate a relaxed, smooth, and even breath through your nose. Feel the breath deep in the center of the torso (the chest is still and relaxed). Allow the breath to become slow and subtle. Practice daily in shavasana and your sitting posture.

3. Systematic Relaxation

For the third step, move your mental focus through the body, starting with your head and moving sequentially to your feet and back again. Then relax all effort and rest in whole body awareness.
Your meditation will deepen with daily practice of systematic relaxation in shavasana as well as in your sitting posture as part of your meditation method.

4. Breath Awareness

You’re in a steady and effortless seated position; you’ve established diaphragmatic breathing and released tension throughout your body. To step deeper into your meditation, turn your attention to your breath. Notice the movement of the breath at your navel center (solar plexus) and feel the touch of the breath in your nose. Feel the breath in each nostril. Track the breath in and out, even as it changes direction from inhalation to exhalation. When your mind begins to wander, bring it back to the touch of the breath in your nose.

Relax your attention and move deeper with the next step.

5. Mental Focus

On inhale, follow the flow of breath from the tip of your nostrils to your eyebrow center (deep in the middle of your forehead) and out again as you exhale. Gradually focus more on the sensation at the eyebrow center and notice the subtle energy that guides the breath in and out. Relax your attention, but return to this awareness if the mind begins to wander. If you have a personal mantra, it might arise spontaneously in this tranquil state.

“Have patience and do your practice systematically. It is not possible to meditate and not receive benefits. It takes time to see results. Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. Work with yourself gradually. Persist in your practice and you will find that meditation is a means of freeing yourself from the worries that gnaw at you. Then you are free to experience the joy of being fully present, here and now.”
by Swami Rama

In the Rough

Poor Tiger Woods.  Seems ever since his wife learned of his multiple infidelities, his golf game has not been up to “par.”  (pretty good pun, don’t you think?)  My life feels a little like that right now.  I have been traveling so much that I cannot seem to get back into the “swing” of day-to-day life.  Everything gets on my nerves.

Yesterday, my dear husband, who has been bearing the brunt of my frustration, and I, spent 4 hours working through the application for India visas.  I have never been on such an ill-conceived website.  Travis India Outsourcing needs a good kick in the butt.  Each and every time we thought we were about to complete this arduous process, the next page on the website informed us of requirements that we had either not yet fulfilled or which had, in fact, been completed incorrectly.  At the very end of the process, there is a check list to assure that the applicant has everything he or she needs to apply.  It is,at this point, that we discovered eye glasses are not allowed in visa pictures.  Jimmy had to go back to Walgreen’s to have another photo taken.  He then had to redo half the process.  Truth be known, we are still not sure whether or not we have complied with all the nit picky stipulations.  Oy Vey.

Sometimes we push the rock up hill.  Sisyphus, a figure of Greek mythology, was condemned to repeat forever the same meaningless task of pushing a boulder up a mountain, only to see it roll down again.  Some days require more persistence than others.  My teacher, Rod Stryker, tells us that the true measure of practice is how well we deal with life’s complexities.  I definitely agree that without my practice I would be a real nut case.  But I also acknowledge that some days are just harder than others and it is okay to admit temporary defeat.  The only true failure is lying down in the middle of the battle field of life and refusing to get up.

A chronic sufferer of depression, I tend to berate myself in situations that annoy me especially when I am not taking my anti-depressant.  I hate those damn things.  My therapist tells me that if I was I diabetic who need insulin, I would take it.  She compares diabetes to depression. I would side with her, if I did not know that 1 out of every 10 people in America is on some kind of anti-depressant.  Really?  Would not these stats indicate a major sociological dilemma?  Would not this systemic, societal problem be better addressed by changing the conditions, stress, alienation, expectations of perfection, fear, aggression and the big one, misrepresentation of what is real that create the suffering?

Whoa!  This is a global problem.  We cannot get too global because then we are overwhelmed by the scope of our inadequacy.  Screw that.  What if everyone who took anti-depressants because their life would otherwise be pretty messy, decided to rebel?
Would we not then have a greater impetus for change?  Anti-depressants dull the pain and anxiety, but at a great cost.  Our creativity, our joy and wonder, our capacity to experience life’s complexities on a deep, meaningful level is also diminished.

Yes, sometimes I feel like Sisyphus, nose to the grind stone, pushing the rock of life up the hill only to watch it roll back down.  But isn’t that the way of neti, neti?  Life is never just this or that.  We label our thoughts and actions and in so doing create prisons from which the Soul cannot escape.  Now there is cause for depression.  So what is up is not up and what is down is not down.  It simply is.

The golf ball I hit may end up in the rough or, it could land on the fairway, but it is always and forever only a golf ball.  the important thing is to get up and keep swinging,  Stay in the game.  What is par anyway?

Union of Opposites

What is yoga. It is the union of opposites which actually means the end of duality.  Yoga is  freedom from suffering and freedom to thrive, to live life fully without fear.  How do we achieve this state of being?  Practice, practice, practice.  We learn through the practice of yoga, the asanas, meditation, pranayama, to observe ourselves and the world around us.  How do we relate to ourselves?  Do we judge, criticize, bicker, abuse and berate?  Are we considerate, loving, compassionate and open-minded?  Do we accept ourselves unconditionally?  Probably not.

How do we relate to the world in which we live?  Do we label events, pidgeon-holing them as good or bad.  Do we like and dislike, judge and reject, separating from people, places and ideas we do not agree with?  When we learn to observe, to see clearly what part we are playing in the game of life, we soon realize that we can either accept things as they are or we can adjust, make changes, move on, directing our energies and thoughts into more positive and constructive behavior.

Last night, we went out with friends.  I slept until 8 am.   When I awoke, I realized that I would not have time for all of my usual morning rituals so I chose the one I felt was most important to me.  I meditated.  I could have spent what little time I did have before teaching, going over the action of last night which led to me sleeping so late.  How would that have served me?  Being self-critical is certainly not the best way to pass the time of day.

In the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali makes it quite clear that everyone will eventually achieve the state of yoga.  Those who choose meditation as their path to enlightenment will proceed more quickly than those who solely practice devotion.  And those who work with the yamas and niyamas, focusing as I have mentioned on their relationships to themselves and the world, will be the slowest to experience the union of opposites.

Knowing that life is not an either or, a good or bad, a you or me, we can relax and practice being who we are in this moment.  We can observe our own behavior and the state of the world around us.  How are we doing?  Do we have good relationships or are we stuck in patterns of attachment or aversion?     Is there an element of joy and a sense of being deeply connected to the life you are living?  If so, continue on.  If not, perhaps there is an adjustment to be made.  Remember there are no mistakes….just lessons.

“We are all Bozos on the bus of life.”  Wavy Gravey

Write in Spite…and to spite

I write in spite of the fact that I sometimes have no idea what will appear on the page.  I write in spite of the fear of exposure, rejection, judgement and, worst of all, being ignored.  I write in spite of knowing that what I have to say may mean nothing to you or anyone else. I write in spite…to spite those who do not want me to speak; to annoy those who want to protect the status quo; who think of change as a threat to be defended against.  I write in spite of being uncomfortable with the void I see lying at the end of each and every sentence.  What will come next?  Will it be something profound, funny, uplifting, meaningful, or revelatory, or will what I say be vapid, repugnant,and glaringly  over modified?  Does it really matter?

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”  Maya Angelou.

“You can fix anything but a blank page.”  Nora Roberts

In spite of being told that I am self-absorbed, mean, thoughtless, and uncaring, I continue to write.  I write in spite of others anger and resentment.  I write simply to please myself; for the sheer joy of seeing the cursor move across the page.  Writing is the beating of my heart.  It is my inhalation and exhalation, the goose bumps of wonder, my hair follicles standing on end, my son’s sweet kiss, my grand daughter’s smile, the sun rising and setting.  Writing is birth and death with nothing in between.  It is the void that threatens to   swallow me up and the monster waiting to devour me.

If I write about my mother, I despair, remembering  her failures and mine.  If I write about my hopes and dreams, I risk being superfluous.  When I write, into my brokeness, my depression, my distant but memorable suicidal thoughts, I tend to get maudlin.  So be it.

I write in spite of spewing, like a volcano, red anger across the pages.  I often want to lash out, to destroy those for whom $20,000,000 is not enough: those who will forever want more and will kill to get it.  I do not understand people who want to deny others the right to vote.  And who could possibly be against gun control.  Sure, why not give every one an AK-57.  Let’s just fight it out in the streets. Who cares if our children become murderers?  I do.  And why do old people who no longer drive have to present photo IDs to vote.  Really?

In Arizona, which passed one of the nation’s toughest anti-immigration laws, Gov. Jan Brewer signed an executive order Wednesday directing state agencies to deny driver’s licenses and other public benefits to illegal immigrants who obtain work authorizations under a new federal program.  So she is denying immigrants, who have been in the U.S. and who now have legal status, public benefits to which they are entitled.  Go Jan.  I want to be just like you when I grow up.  NOT!

I want to cry out and be heard.  “Stop manipulating the environment.  What we do in the name of good does harm.”  We stopped natural forest fires and now we have this “tree epidemic” which stems from Forest Service policy dating back to the early 1900s of aggressively fighting all forest fires. But regular, small fires clean out dead wood, grasses and low brush — and if fires are quashed, the forest just grows into fuel. And that’s why we see more of these mega-conflagrations today.

Intense forest fires have been raging across the western United States this summer. So far this year, nearly 43,000 wildfires have torched almost 7 million acres of land.  NPR Science correspondent, Christopher Joyce, and photographer, David Gilkey, report that the forests of the American Southwest have become so overgrown they’re essentially tinderboxes just waiting for a spark.  Why do we continue to interfere and try to control Mother Nature?  she knows best.

“If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.”  Anais Nin

Need I say more?  Yes and I will keep saying more and more.  Hope you are listening.

Re-entry…I am exactly where I need to be

I love, love, love to travel especially when my travels carry me to San Francisco, the city by the bay.  On my flight home last night, I became keenly aware of the challenges surrounding re-entry particularly when one’s spouse has been traveling separately.  My husband, Jimmy, who had recently been to Canada, returned the day after I left on my most recent trip.  Having had time to adapt to being at home, he was, when I returned, calm and relaxed.  I felt he was aloof and withdrawn.  So much for a happy homecoming.

This morning, knowing that I needed grounding, I meditated, a little longer than usual, and then went to a yoga class.  I felt so much better afterwards; more prepared for the day.  I later taught private lesson, tidied up some loose ends related to work, ate a good lunch and turned toward the work at hand.

My grand baby turns 1-year-old on Saturday.  We are hosting a poolside party for 40 at our home.  Grant it, Katie, my daughter, is in charge, but I still feel compelled to have my house and yard in good order.  Perhaps it is the southern belle in me that still wants people to be impressed with my “plantation.”  I will be keeping Amelia tomorrow while trying to catch up on more work related things.  We will definitely spend time in the pool.

Friday night my husband and I are going with friends to see the play, Legally Blond, a night of frivolity and communion. The one thing I have learned from my travels is that I want and need to spend more time with friends, more time out and about taking advantage of all that our wonderful city has to offer.  I need not leave Memphis to play.  There is unlimited opportunity to do that right here.  In the past, I have limited my leisure time, claiming the need to rest and be “centered” when I teach yoga.  One of my favorite teachers, richard Freeman, says, “Too much sattwa, (centeredness) can be quite boring.”  Amen

I am glad to be home and happy for a full life. Having said that, and recognizing what a mess life can be, I am  grateful to have the tools of yoga to remind me that we are all clueless. Accepting my limitations gives me compassion for myself and others.  I show up to life and trust that I am exactly where I need to be at any given moment.

I do push down feelings of anger, frustration or fear, but I will observe them to find out what I can learn from their presence.  I no longer pretend to have all the answers nor do I deny my feelings of inadequacy.  If I had access to a formula for life, I would throw it away. I prefer to do goofy things like forgetting where I parked my car, forgetting my father’s birthday, or saying something totally inappropriate.  I am delighted to have foibles.  I wear them like jewels around my neck and on my sleeve for all the world to see.  I am perfectly imperfect.  “Normal is someone you don’t know very well,”  (anonymous) and someone I do not want to know.

 

Admit it. We are all Bozos on the bus

it is far, far better to be a Bozo on the bus of life than to be a so called normal person.  Normal people are really Bozo’s in drag, Bozos with secrets.  If you long to be on the bus with the normal people you will miss the celebration.  You will totally miss the point of all this craziness which is to Lighten up and enjoy the ride.

(ideas borrowed from Wavy, Gravey and Elizabeth Lesser.

Returning to the Light

Conception, birth and death all involve moving into the Light.  The sperm, seeing the radiance of the egg, surges toward its destination with no other thought than that of fulfilling its destiny.  Left to their own devices, babies, guided by the Light within, leave the womb   knowing they come from beyond to be the manifestation of Divine Light.  At death, we walk toward the light sensing that we are coming home, returning to limitless potential.

Today, I claim my connection to the Light.  I surrender to the Divine Mother, trusting that I am now and will be, in every moment of this day, exactly where I need to be.  I chose to have faith in the spark of Divinity to which I owe my life.  I offer myself as a conduit of this Light to the world.  There is no need for me to question my motives, my desires,  or my actions.  Resting in the light, I believe that what I need to know, in any given moment,  will be revealed.

I am created by Divine Light.  I am surrounded by Divine Light.  I am supported by Divine Light.  I am protected by Divine Light.  I am ever growing into Divine Light.  Join me today.  Remember your birthright.  Look to the Light.  Let us walk, hand in hand, from the Light within, into a world of luminous Light.  We need only remember to look for the Light.

I am who I want and need to be

Let me repeat that.  I am, in this very moment, the person I am meant to be.  I do not need to change, correct or become.  I am exactly where I need to be because I am Divine.  My friend, Jean, puts it this way (I am paraphrasing her words).  “Everything we can see and touch is a reflection of the Divine, created by the Divine so that she can see herself.  Just like a mother, who wants the very best for her children, the Divine wants us to surpass her, to be happier, to have greater abundance, to be the greatest than her.”

We need only receive what the Divine is waiting so patiently to give us.  We can and will have everything we want and need.  Timing is everything.  Spirituality is not a form of escape.  We are “spiritual warriors”  training not for battle, but to be courageous, to be radically alive in the midst of all that the world has to offer.  Chogyam Trungpa, who brought Buddhist teachings from Tibet to the West, said, “There is no dry land;  there is only fearlessness which is found in the heart.”

What lies at the center of my heart is what brought me into this world….a sense of wonder.
The peace and clarity that I so desperately seek is already within me.  I have, for so long, repressed the very parts of me that have the power to free me.  Under the label of depression, I have medicated and dulled the exuberance of my heart.  Running in fear of rejection, I have suppressed my fearlessness because I believed my sadness and tears to be a curse.  But this weekend, watching my son portray Marius in Les Miserable, the convulsions I experienced, emboldened me. I felt as thought I had expanded into the Universe and beyond.  I loved the show.  I loved everyone in the show even those who had been hateful to my son. I wanted to hug them, to tell them how wonderful they were.  I loved San Francisco.  I loved my life.  I loved the world.  I never felt bigger or more alive than in that moment when, outside the stage door, I clung to my son and my heart broke open.

Yeah.  What I am sayin’.

Self Mastery

Tantra is the practice of self mastery.  We must of claim responsibility for our own pain and suffering.  It is imperative to move beyond what your mother or father, or both did to you.  Who you will become in the future is directly dependent ohoices you make right now.

I choose not to be a victim of my childhood abuse and neglect.  claim the miracle of my life and invite you to do the same. You are not  your story.  You are not your past.  You are the manifestation of Divine energy fully realized in this precise moment.  Rock it baby.  Ride the  magic carpet.  Take flightt on the wings of your deepest desire. .  Leave the false security of your misery and come out to play in the Light.

Do something totally absurd…..and love it

I woke up this morning
I suddenly realised
We’re all in this together
I started smiling
‘Cause you were smiling
And we’re all in this together
I’m made of atoms
You’re made of atoms
And we’re all in this together.
And long division just doesn’t matter
‘Cause we’re all in this together…yeah

lyrics by Ben Lee