As I Soften

As I soften, I realize life is so much more than the effort I put into it.  As I soften, I realize that love is all that matters.  As I soften, I am coming to love myself as I do my husband, my children, my grandchildren and my friends, treating myself as the greatest love of my life.  As I soften, I feel a tenderness toward myself and others.  I am cultivating a deeper appreciation of the differences that, rather than separating us, actually draw us into communion.  As I soften, I am listening to the other’s Soul rather than just hearing the words. As I soften, I have less fear and more joy.  I do not want to die, but I accept its ultimate inevitability.  I am, as we all are, infinite and, at the same time, mortal.

““We do not need to grieve for the dead. Why should we grieve for them? They are now in a place where there is no more shadow, darkness, loneliness, isolation, or pain. They are home.”  John O’Donohue

As soften, any illusion of a perfect world or perfect health falls away.  What is left you may ask?  The mystery of life filled with wonder, intimacy and compassionate forgiveness.

forgiving myself

Lying in bed last night, waiting for the blanket of sleep to wrap its comfort around me, I noticed an almost rigid tension engulfing my body.  This was a feeling I did not want to carry forward into my future.  With each new exhalation, I envisioned my rigid being melting, releasing all holding, surrendering and letting go of all fear. Even now, as I write, I can feel my shoulders drop, my arms lengthen and my heart lift.  The next thing I remember is waking up this morning amazed that I was able to fall into the darkness.

In today’s meditation, I recognized a similar holding pattern, a pushing against the tragedy of reality, a desire to pretend that a perfect life is possible, that it just such a life only requires a gallant effort.  In her interview with the poet and philosopher, John O’Donohue, Krista Tippett explored the meaning life, of love and beauty.  John reflected on times he had sitting at the bedside of they dying and in particular with those who had lived staunch, unrelenting lives. John said that after two or three days he noticed these people literally softened and became visibly more radiant.  When Krista asked how he would explain this phenomenon, John said the dying person realized the way he/she had been living could not serve them now – that holding on and pushing away from the darkness only served to separate them from the light.

Annie Dillard describes just such a realization: “In the deeps are the violence and terror of which psychology has warned us. But if you ride these monsters deeper down, if you drop with them farther over the world’s rim, you find what our sciences cannot locate or name, the substrate, the ocean or matrix or ether which buoys the rest, which gives goodness its power for good, and evil its power for evil, the unified field: our complex and inexplicable caring for each other, and for our life together here. This is given. It is not learned.

Today I set an intention to notice when I am holding tension, when I am pushing away from the harshness of reality.  I choose to forgive myself and all others and most especially I forgive life for all its incongruences, its injustices, and its inherenttragedies.  I surrender into the unified field of love, “the house of belonging” -David Whyte

reconciliation

may I live with ease
past to present future good
bank account balanced

make it happen

take me back – rewind

born into a healthy womb

i see clearly now

 

grim reaper

life a race with death

which way am I running to

or away from me

lost perspective

endless dark tunnel;

the victim’s story told time

and again.  mole hole.

descend/ascend

space beyond pain. earth. . .

we come by choice to become

our soul’s destiny.

 

May 22- One Year One Day at a Time – Content

Damn.  Where do I start?  How do I write about contentment.  I only know how to write skilfully about depression, anxiety, sadness and the like so I have a problem.  I do not feel depressed, anxious, sad, etc. Is it worth writing if the subject of one’s writing is “another good day?  I was taught that dram and turmoil at the great subjects of true literature.  Anna Karenina, War and Peace, Reservoir Dogs, Catcher in the Rye, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.  More recently Doubt, Grace, Angels in America.  

I have nothing related to pathos about which I am compelled to write.  So I write Haiku. It’s okay, but it lacks the depth I long for.  Perhaps I am hovering over something I am afraid to see, afraid to look to face.  I don’t think so.  I am content.  I feel whole.  I am healthy.  I am happy.  I like the work I do and I believe I am very good at it.  I love my husband and am grateful for my children, their success and their well-being.  I do not feel deprived or helpless or down trodden.  I no longer feel like a  victim of my god awful childhood.  I have no fear about the future.  I have a comfortable life filled with meaningful work and good friends, new friends.  Today I have friendships I value, people with whom I want to spend time.  My friends are no longer just my drinking buddies.  I have girlfriends with whom I share a deep connection and with whom I have never had a drink.  That’s different.  Not even something I went looking for.  They came into my life.  I liked them so we spend time with one another.

I sit here now at 8:00 pm in my bed with my stuffed animals, Fruffy the dog.  That is what Amelia calls him.  And the green Monkey also known as Papa Monkey.  Jimmy, my husband, said this morning that he no longer knew with whom he was sleeping, me or Amelia.  He was referring to a bed full of stuffed toys.  I hold them, at night, next to my breast.  They are for me, the childhood I never had and my connect to the granddaughter whom I love.   They are joy.  She is joy.  I am joyful.

Tomorrow we leave for DC and from there to Little Washington, Virginia for  our friend, Steve’s 60th birthday, a blue grass festival on the lawn of his gentleman farmer’s estate.  I will definitely be posting pictures.

This is contentment.

April 6 -One Year, One Day at a Time – No Alcohol for Forty Days and Forty Nights.

I need to take a  break from drinking.  I do not want to have cancer.  I hate how much money it costs to have cancer.  My victim mentality is trying to take over my life.  I will not let that happen.  As much as I loath the fact that I must make decisions about my treatment options, I will do it.  Having said that I know from experience the clearer I am the easier this process will be.  Drinking is no way to cope with cancer.  My old pattern of turning to a glass of wine and then another is up and running and it is my job to shut it down.  So as much as I do not want to do this I am going to put a cork in the bottle for the next 40 days.

Giving up anything for 40 days is a good practice no matter what the circumstances, but I think it will be especially useful for me now because it will eliminate the one thing I use to hide from myself and from reality.  Of course alcohol is a poor substitute for clarity and it certainly does lead to peace of mind.  It’s just a habit so deeply ingrained in me that when times get tough it surfaces and takes over.  What they say in AA is so true.  Drinking alcohol is a slippery slope for someone for me.  I had years of practice using alcoholic beverages to deal with problems.  Alcohol only makes all things worse, but its allure is the false sense of relief you get when you take that first sip.  But one sip is never enough especially when there are big problems.

The sick thing about me turning to alcohol now is that  it has not been a problem for past several months.  A glass or two of wine here and there.  Nothing more.  No compulsion to get intoxicated.  I don’t even like being drunk.  It sucks.  Then why do it now?  Good question, but I do not have the time nor the energy to deal with that line of inquiry.  Who knows why I or anyone else chooses to get intoxicated.  What difference does it make?  Rather than wallowing in the problem I am going straight to the solution. Just stop.  Okay good.  For forty days, April 6 through May 16, I will not consume any alcohol.

I am sure this will make for interesting blogging.  Whatever feelings I’ve been trying to avoid will surely surface sooner or later.  Loving kindness and compassion.  Patience, gratitude, peace of mind and well-being.  I love you Sarla.  I do.  We will get through this.

forgiveness

do you want me to forgive

you for being who you are?

I cannot

I love you too much

to shame

you for being who you are.