The Day After

In my last blog I wrote about the party we gave last night.  Now I am writing to say being hung over, even just a little, is no fun and certainly does not compare to the well-being I experienced when I was alcohol free.  I am grateful for the ability to see clearly that drinking more than one glass of wine is not healthy for me.  I am not enjoying the heart burn I have.  Nor do I like the heavy, fogginess of the day after malaise.  I would have to be in a state of complete denial to ignore the consequences of three hours of drinking wine.

Follow the questions.  Follow the questions.  When will I hear back from The Sirenland Writers Conference to which I applied in October?  That is the first question on my mind.  Well, that question was easily answered.  In checking my credit card statements, it seems that my submission never went through.  I am so disappointed.  However, it was the effort I put into that application that jump started my return to writing.  All things work for the greater good.

Other questions include: When will I do my Christmas shopping?  Will my estranged friend whom I contacted yesterday return my phone call and/or my email?  Ask and you shall receive.  I just got a response to my email.  Today is a day to process disappointment and loss.  Feeling vulnerable.  I am sure the alcohol in my system is not enhancing my well-being.  Life is so interesting.

Gnawing, aching, wrenching discovery.  My Soul longs for peace.  I relinquish the need for perfection.  Tired, bone tired of repressing, regressing, depressing and blaming.  I own my part in the creation, manifestation and prolongation of my own pain.  I try too hard.  I give up to fast.  I anger easily.  I am ambivalent when I need to be steady, sure-footed and conscious of the choices I make.

I am writing into the light.

May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.

May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.

May all beings never be parted from freedoms true joy.

May all beings dwell in equanimity free from attachment and aversion.

I reiterate.  I will not drink today.

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ― Joseph Campbell

Who is not afraid of being overlooked, of being invisible in a world that demands stardom. “What do you do?” is standard repartee, the question most asked, the criterion upon which we judge our self-worth, how we value our accomplishments , and how we rate our success.

For the last 12 years, my answer has been, ” I teach yoga,” to which the questioners reply is usually, “Oh really, where?”  And I say, “Midtown Yoga.  It is my studio.”

“Wow, it is your studio.  That’s great.  I hear it is a great place.”

On January 1, 2013 my life will change.  I will no longer be the owner/operator of Midtown Yoga.  As I write and reflect on this transition I realize that, like my children, Midtown Yoga never really belonged to me.  With the help of my husband, Jimmy, and many others, I opened the doors to Midtown Yoga on May 1, 200.  Students came.  They lined up at the door.  Yoga was in the news.  Christy Turlington was featured on the cover of Newsweek doing a yoga pose.  Rodney Yee appeared on Oprah and two weeks later, came for a workshop at Midtown Yoga.   We rode to success on the wings of a media frenzy.

Yes, I shepherded the space.  I started selling retail.  The first year we sponsored a teacher training program taught by Cyndi Lee of OM Yoga in New York and 27 people signed up, many of whom became longtime teachers at Midtown Yoga.  I look back on these times with wonder and amazement.  I had never before run a business and I did so then by the seat of my pants.  I did not have a “business plan.”  I made decisions based on my intuition and little else.  For some reason, it worked.

I am so grateful to all those, teachers and students alike, who make Midtown Yoga what it is today, a living, breathing organism.  My work at the studio is done.  I will continue to teach and be a part of the community, a cog in the wheel, a leaf on the tree, a star in the sky, drop in the ocean, a grain of sand on the beach, a snowflake in a beautiful blizzard  a single note in a melodic song.  I keep coming back to the Ben Lee lyric.  “We are all in this together.”

Today I choose, in the words of Rolf Gates from Meditations on the Mat,  “…to show up, burn brightly, live passionately, hold nothing back, and when the moment is over, when my work is done, I will step back and let go.”

The Four Immeasurables

May all beings have happiness and the cause of happiness.

May all beings be free of suffering and the cause of suffering.

May all beings never be parted from freedom’s true joy.

May all beings dwell in equanimity free from attachment and aversion.

Day 3  …I am writing my way back into the Light that is always and forever burning brightly in and around me and you.