Be authentic. Be authentic. “Alright, already, I hear you, but how can I be authentic when I do not know exactly what is happening?”
I went to a Grizzlies game last night with my husband and another couple. We parked, entered the forum and went directly to the Plaza lounge. Our friends ordered red wine. Jimmy looked at me, “Do you want anything?”
I paused thinking, I could have a glass of wine, but I said, “No, maybe at intermission. I mean half-time.” I fully expected to return at the half and order a glass of red wine, which they were filling to the brim. Of, course I noticed. When I drank daily, I always watched how much the bartender poured into the glass. I loved to go where the servers were, shall we say, generous with the pour. Last night, I watched, I noticed how full the glasses were and still I said, No, I do not want a glass of wine. ” This dramatic shift in my drinking behavior is incomprehensible. I have never left a Grizzlies game sober.
We came home, climbed in our down covered bed and closed our eyes. I was not sleepy. It was late, and I take a spin class at 6:00 am on Wednesday and Friday mornings. I laid there waiting for fatigue to swaddle me. I recited the MAHAMRITYUNJAYA MANTRA. 11:15 pm, I am looking at the clock. Better get up and put Triphala oil on my body. Abyangha, as it is referred to by Auyrveda practitioners, often works as an instant sleep aid. I simply rub the infused sesame oil all over by body paying particular attention to my feet, put on my warmest jammies and crawl back into bed. 12:30 am. Still awake. I get up again, go to the kitchen and make my favorite nite, nite drink: warm milk, ghee, grated nutmeg, cinnamon, and turmeric sweetened with honey, another Ayurveda sleep aide. I savored the warm tonic rolling my growling belly. It has now been 7 hours since we ate dinner. Now surely I will fall asleep. 1:00 am. I am up watching the season finale of Sons of Anarchy. TV screen reads, “Intended for mature audiences only.” Very gruesome. Oh great, now I will be awake the rest of the night reliving the murder I just saw.
My phone alarm sounded at 4:30 am. Damn, I just went to sleep. I turned off the alarm and rolled over. Next thing I know Jimmy was poking me. “It’s 5:00 am.” I got up, made coffee and went to spin class. And here I am still trying to process the fact that I did not drink last night, by choice. I told myself I could and I did not drink.
There is only one thing, and one thing only, that has changed during this past week. I know now that I am not my mother. Does that explain my sudden ability to make a conscious choice about drinking. Time will tell.
One more thing. I want to reiterate, I gave myself permission to drink. I choice not to drink. I was not afraid I would drink when we went to the game. I was not anxious when we entered the lounge. I simply did not want any alcohol and as the night went on I felt better and better about the choice I had made. And the sleep thing. Well there was a full moon last night.
Writing into the Light 