forgiving myself

Lying in bed last night, waiting for the blanket of sleep to wrap its comfort around me, I noticed an almost rigid tension engulfing my body.  This was a feeling I did not want to carry forward into my future.  With each new exhalation, I envisioned my rigid being melting, releasing all holding, surrendering and letting go of all fear. Even now, as I write, I can feel my shoulders drop, my arms lengthen and my heart lift.  The next thing I remember is waking up this morning amazed that I was able to fall into the darkness.

In today’s meditation, I recognized a similar holding pattern, a pushing against the tragedy of reality, a desire to pretend that a perfect life is possible, that it just such a life only requires a gallant effort.  In her interview with the poet and philosopher, John O’Donohue, Krista Tippett explored the meaning life, of love and beauty.  John reflected on times he had sitting at the bedside of they dying and in particular with those who had lived staunch, unrelenting lives. John said that after two or three days he noticed these people literally softened and became visibly more radiant.  When Krista asked how he would explain this phenomenon, John said the dying person realized the way he/she had been living could not serve them now – that holding on and pushing away from the darkness only served to separate them from the light.

Annie Dillard describes just such a realization: “In the deeps are the violence and terror of which psychology has warned us. But if you ride these monsters deeper down, if you drop with them farther over the world’s rim, you find what our sciences cannot locate or name, the substrate, the ocean or matrix or ether which buoys the rest, which gives goodness its power for good, and evil its power for evil, the unified field: our complex and inexplicable caring for each other, and for our life together here. This is given. It is not learned.

Today I set an intention to notice when I am holding tension, when I am pushing away from the harshness of reality.  I choose to forgive myself and all others and most especially I forgive life for all its incongruences, its injustices, and its inherenttragedies.  I surrender into the unified field of love, “the house of belonging” -David Whyte

Came to Believe

Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.  Sane, soul , soulful, sound mind and body, spirit, immortal – words sprawled on a page, but to what end?  Is it not the meaning we attach to a word that gives it power?  For instance, catastrophe. I often hear this word in reference to the events of the past year. Whether they be political or personal, labeling any event as catastrophic pretty much seals the deal.  Once so labeled, there is little or no room for possibility.  Take the definition of catastrophe, a disaster, a calamitous event, especially one occurring suddenly and causing great loss of life, damage, or hardship and lay it over a life event, any life event like the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a diagnosis, a betrayal, an apparent failure and so on and what is left?  Bereavement, sorrow, irreconcilable resentment and anger, depression, insurmountable grief, and possibly utter and irreparable despair, (the complete loss or absence of hope.)   What is life without hope?  How can there be meaning without trust, without destiny, without the Soul?  I believe that our sole purpose to is discover The Soul our unique blueprint which was to us given at our conception and lies in wait for us to discover it, choose it and live it into eternity.  I find that words like disaster, sanity, catastrophe, and the like impede our Soul’s journey by denying limitless possibilities

I tried for years to adhere to the definition of sanity, (the ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner; sound mental health), with little success.  I know now that I am not normal (conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected) nor do I wanted to be labeled as such.  I am supernormal, exceptional as are you and you and you.  We each have within us the power to choose our destinies.  This power is the extension of the soul and is not preoccupied with form.  On the contrary its sole purpose is to give us the courage we need to discover our deepest selves.  The soul accompanied by its innate power is not interested in making people comfortable.  “The soul is who you are in God and who God is in you. We do not make or create our souls.  We only awaken them, allow them, and live out of their deepest messages.” (Richard Rohr)

I heard my soul’s voice loud and clear _ “Stop chemo.  It is killing me.”  I did as I was told.  Does this make me sane?  Who cares.  Certainly not me.  I am more concerned with adhering to the urgings of my deepest self than I am to the meanderings of my wayward analytical mind which makes sensible decisions based on available information.  You know like protocol, statistics, studies, percentages, and cold, hard facts.

So to paraphrase, I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to luminosity and depth of seeing, to the “light.”  May I welcome life on life’s terms and not deny “the wonderful underlying mystery that is everywhere, all the time.” (from Breathing Underwater). Every life event is a call to believe in a power greater than ourselves, to believe in the possibility of miracles, to believe that healing is the byproduct of loving self and others unconditionally.

Thus I came to believe that there are no disaters, no catastophes, no failures, only limitless possiblities to heal. By healing, I mean cultivating the capacity to live out of the clear, simple and uncluttered presence for it is in the present that we encounter The Presence, whether we call it God or not, matters little. What does mattter is whether or not we can learn to let life come to us trusting that God in us, our Soul, has called us, and that God, i.e. The Soul is incapable of failure.

 

moment into moment

the present moment is

not a finite point. It is boundless,

spacious enough to contain

the past and accommodate the future

a day spent wandering

picking the blossoms of my

mind.  pen to paper.

social lubricant

on the rocks please; no

dirty; straight up with a twist;  

howling at the moon

fatigue

exhaustion, getting

lost; giving up on the world.

sun will rise and set

for the women still writing

leave the door open

to the unknown.  there you will

find where you came from.

(inspired by Rebecca Solnit’s A Field Guide to Getting Lost)

Big Sky

framed in compassion

the cloudless sky offers an

end to suffering

Radiation Day 2

Oh Lord I hear you.

“get out there girl.  ride the

wind.  let it be.  let it be.”

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Yeah, let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

When the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Yeah, let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be

Yeah, let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
You know there’s gonna be an answer, let it be

And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be

I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, oh no, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be, let it be
You know there’s gonna be an answer, let it be
Oh, let it be

Paul McCartney – Let It Be Lyrics | MetroLyrics

remedy for sorrow

continuously

becoming aware, observing,

understanding change