In a phone conversation with my friend, Diann, the subject of loss poked up its testy little head. I am sure men experience loss as well, but, I feel that life as a woman, delves deep in to the crevaces of, what I like to call “surrender.” When I gave myself to my first husband in marriage, when I offered him my hand, I forfeited my name. I payed homage to the God of our society, the idol that beseeches us to cleve unto our husbands, to forsake all others and become one with HIM. Having done that twice, I chose not to give up that or anything else when I married my third and final husband. He would have preferred that I defer to a more traditional view, but I did not. So be it.
But I jump ahead. As young girls, we, or at least my generation, gave up our power to men. My mother made it very clear, “Boys do not like girls that are too smart or too bossy. Be nice to them and they will be nice to you.” Okay. But I was smart and bossy and somehow I still managed to always have a boyfriend. I did not want to lose…..yes, that thing they all want, for us to give our bodies to them. I messed around, went as close as possible to “going all the way” without doing it, but kept what was rightfully mine until I was really ready to share, key word here is share, my body with another person.
When I did meet the boy I wanted to marry, to be intimate with until “death do us part,” he would not go all the way until we got married. Big mistake! Should have had sex with that one first. We never did quite get the hang of it. Probably the main reason I left him.
Second husband…good sex, bad marriage and kids. Here is where the losing gets really juicy. I lost my mind to a man I loved, but who was unfaithful and I lost my body to the child I carried in my womb. A wonderful, amazing, powerful girl child who came reluctantly into the world, but then took it by storm. To bring her here, I gave up cigarettes, caffeine, alcohol and my girlish figure. They say it comes back and mine did after years of hard work. But back to that baby. Gave up way too much in an attempt to love her in a way that I had not been loved. It back fired. I stayed home and tried to be a super mom. Big mistake. I resented her and she knew it. I needed a life and she needed a mother. Thank God she is not making the same mistake with her little girl. So be it.
Then I lost my self respect. Rather than dealing with the consequences of my choice to marry a theatre mogul, I drank….way to much. I had affairs…too many, even an abortion. I still regret that. Losing self respect is probably the worst and most destructive of all the losses I have experienced. Took me years of therapy to get it back. I will never do that again.
Wow…Think that is enough about loss for now. Thing is when I started practicing yoga I learned that life is change. We only suffer when we attach to the way we think things are supposed to be. We ask for sweet ice tea and the world gives us unsweetened lemonade. What is a girl to do?
I could go on and on about loss all night long. Loss of my youth, loss of wonder, loss of freedom, loss of…..you name and we loose it. The key is to remember not to attach to anything: not to think you have to have a person or any specific thing to live. Life is full and wonderful in this moment with exactly what you have now. You may get more. You may lose what you have. Trust that you are empowered from within and that you have everything you need and always will. I promise. You do.
“All I want is a little respect, baby, just a little bit. R E S P E CT, find out what it means to me.” Aretha Franklin.
You go girl.
Writing into the Light 