what happened

unreconciled loss.

wine,vodka, dark chocolate

covered almonds.  sunday

 

must share this

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

by Derek Walcott

trying

foot throbbing. worked

in the yard.  hobbled to the

neighbors for cocktails

moment to moment – one day at a time – May 18

Looking at the day ahead.  Still hobbling around on my crutches.  Afraid I did too much yesterday.  So damn hard to sit still.   It is especially difficult for me stop tidying up.  I never realized until I sprained my ankle how obsessed I am with neatness.  I do not like to have things left lying around.  Everything has it’s place.  Problem is my movement is limited, or at least it should be, and it is challenging for me to use my crutches and schlep things from room to room.

Still cloudy and rainy….promise of sun later, but I am not counting on it.

Spent the morning writing haiku and now am trying to decide it I should go outside to do some weeding.  With all the rain we have had over the past week,  the weeds think they can take over my garden and then invade every inch of uncovered ground.  Funny, they are so perky.  Damn things just stare up at me as if to say, “go ahead and pull me out.  I will be back with a vengeance tomorrow.  You know I have lots of friends just waiting to join me here in your yard.  I dare you to pull me up!”  Too bad guys.  I am coming in with my shovel and my hoe.  get ready.

Jimmy just cam in the room and suggested that we meditate.  I have not done any conscious sitting in over a week.  Probably a good idea, but definitely not one I would have come up with.  Until later.

last night’s dinner

neighbors, friends, family

lasagna, arugula salad,

a May night of delight

April 6 -One Year, One Day at a Time – No Alcohol for Forty Days and Forty Nights.

I need to take a  break from drinking.  I do not want to have cancer.  I hate how much money it costs to have cancer.  My victim mentality is trying to take over my life.  I will not let that happen.  As much as I loath the fact that I must make decisions about my treatment options, I will do it.  Having said that I know from experience the clearer I am the easier this process will be.  Drinking is no way to cope with cancer.  My old pattern of turning to a glass of wine and then another is up and running and it is my job to shut it down.  So as much as I do not want to do this I am going to put a cork in the bottle for the next 40 days.

Giving up anything for 40 days is a good practice no matter what the circumstances, but I think it will be especially useful for me now because it will eliminate the one thing I use to hide from myself and from reality.  Of course alcohol is a poor substitute for clarity and it certainly does lead to peace of mind.  It’s just a habit so deeply ingrained in me that when times get tough it surfaces and takes over.  What they say in AA is so true.  Drinking alcohol is a slippery slope for someone for me.  I had years of practice using alcoholic beverages to deal with problems.  Alcohol only makes all things worse, but its allure is the false sense of relief you get when you take that first sip.  But one sip is never enough especially when there are big problems.

The sick thing about me turning to alcohol now is that  it has not been a problem for past several months.  A glass or two of wine here and there.  Nothing more.  No compulsion to get intoxicated.  I don’t even like being drunk.  It sucks.  Then why do it now?  Good question, but I do not have the time nor the energy to deal with that line of inquiry.  Who knows why I or anyone else chooses to get intoxicated.  What difference does it make?  Rather than wallowing in the problem I am going straight to the solution. Just stop.  Okay good.  For forty days, April 6 through May 16, I will not consume any alcohol.

I am sure this will make for interesting blogging.  Whatever feelings I’ve been trying to avoid will surely surface sooner or later.  Loving kindness and compassion.  Patience, gratitude, peace of mind and well-being.  I love you Sarla.  I do.  We will get through this.

Gonna do it

think I am going to do it

have too much to drink tonight

been a long time

since I did that

what is too much

tired of the cancer thinking

soften relax let go be here now

got it done it

not working

I know alcohol is not the answer

there are no answers

just questions

and more questions

for which there are no answers

today

 

clarity

find your way back now

practice body awareness

during addiction

 

little glass of wine

smooth delicate bowl

long-stemmed fragile full-bodied

you give me comfort

accumulate

money property

prestige accolades power

need more storage space