March 23-One Year, One Day at a Time – Damn Morning Pages

FYI morning pages require constant writing for three pages- no lifting fingers off the keyboard, ignoring punctuation, no cap, no editing.  I will go back and correct misspellings but not fragments,  I have noticed that since I got my cancer diagnosis i have not taken the time at right to write about and review my day. Like yesterday.  It was over all a good day, but there were moment of high anxiety.  When I feel that coming on, anxiety that is, i got right to the computer and let words flow through my mind.  There is always one that grabs me and then I sit with it and write a haiku around it.   Haiku has been working.  Seems to keep me more in the moment.  I also realize that I do not want to dwell on the negative thoughts I have throughput the day because I do not want to give them more energy.   I read a blog this morning that had Henry David Thoreau  poem.  Can’t find it now, but it was about keeping thoughts moving. Similar to the line to which I have clung ever since I read it on Joan Halifax’s Facebook page. Maybe it was a post she shared a few months ago.  ”Let the mind flow freely.  Do not dwell on anything.”  Tall order, but it works if you work it.

Confession.  Took my fingers off the keyboard.  Went looking for that damn Thoreau poem and I cannot find it.   Knew I should have copied it the minute I saw it.  Oh well do not dwell on anything.  So yesterday, Amelia spent the night.  That would have been on Friday night.  We had the kids over for dinner.  So much fun.  beautiful outside.  Ate while watching the Memphis Tigers kill George Washington.  So they are still in the tournament.   Or at least I think that is who they played.  I between cooking and playing with the kids outside and visiting we had a great night. Then Amelia spent the night.  Good night’s sleep.  Next morning, that would have been Saturday, we got up around 6:30 am.  Amelia and I watched the Grinch from start to finish.  It is held in the iCloud in my Amazon library.

Amelia love, love, loves this movie and so do I.  Cindy Lou is so cute.

Jim Carey is outrageous and the message is priceless. Who cares how stinky and mean you are?  You are still lovable.  Yesterday was the first time I actually sat and watched it from beginning to end.  Then outside to play, walk the dog, run around the neighborhood, visit with our two-doors down neighbor, Mark and his dog Hank, whom Amelia adores.  She always asks for see him.

When Mark came out into his yard he looked into my eyes and said, “How are you doing?” with that tone of voice that conveys concern and love.  “Great,” I told him and most of the time I am.  I have considered what this journey would be like if I have not made my cancer diagnosis public.  Then I could hide pretending every day that nothing has changed.  But that is so not true.  This morning I awoke feeling like a pitted date wrapped in bacon with a toothpick through the middle.  You figure that one out.

I dreamed all night about being in college or at least going back to college and not being able to find the books I had stored in an empty classroom somewhere at the university.  My ex-professors were  being as helpful as they could be trying to help me find my stuff,  no luck. But then, as it happens in dreams, the room I was in changed from a classroom into a store where lots of young girls were trying on dresses and jewelry.  I  could  not find anything that suited me.  The story of my life.  Always feeling I am in the wrong place at the wrong time, square peg, round hole thing.  But not now.  I am right where I want to be.  I love my life.  I credit my satisfaction and gratitude to writing.  I am writing every day.  Gives me so much appreciation for myself, my life and the people in it.

Funny since I got the diagnosis about my right great, the scar on my left breast has been aching.  There is a dull ache there right now.

So here we are Sunday morning.  Oh forgot to mention the turning point yesterday, the way I went from having my mind wrapped in cancer, that is what Jimmy said..  I told him, “I am anxious.  But I have been anxious before.  I had days of anxiety before I learned I had cancer.  This is just another day.”  We were riding on bicycles, side by side on the Greenline, a rails to trails conversion, that runs behind our house.  It goes all the way out to Germantown.  Anyway,  he replied, “Is your mind wrapped in cancer?”  Maybe that is where the image, the analogy of the bacon wrapped date comes from.  Mind wrapped in cancer.  Uck.  So we road for 2 hours, not at a fast clip, just enjoying the beautiful weather, and before I knew It, I had moved from “this is hard,” to “life is good.”

We had a great night watching the last episode of Scandal.  Well first Jordan come back over.  He had been here earlier in the day working on an audition piece.  He is coming back today to hopefully wrap that up.  So he came for dinner,  omelette and sautéed spinach.  Stayed to use my new Mac air computer to get a ticket for LA.  He still has a little more time off before he starts rehearsals for Gypsy, which he is directing at Playhouse on t he Square. Anyway, he ate, we watched Scandal, which I must say is getting pretty weird.  Killing off James.  Jake has now turned into the bad guy.  His role reversal brings up the question who is giving the orders?  The invisible OZ?  Cyrus is devastated, but working to work through it.  Shit.  Is life really this messy or is this show now, like so many others, turned into a nighttime soap opera?

Dinner?  Really did not cook or eat dinner.  Grazed on left overs.  Not in the mood to mess with food.  No worries tonight I am making lasagna with rice noodles.  That was another part of my dream lat night, explaining to people why I do not eat gluten.  I am jumping around but that’s the way morning pages go.  Kind of like James Joyce, flow of consciousness. Thither and yon.  Watched the end of the Grizzlies’ game. (last night) They won by a pretty good margin.  Played well.  Then off to bed.

Today is Sunday.  I think I my have already said this.  I am here at the computer and Jimmy is making granola.  Cooler, cloudy, rainy, but nice. I am not wrapped in the blanket of cancer.  Have a private client this morning at 9:00 am and then wide open space until 4:00 when Jordan comes back to  finish audition piece.  I am on my way to meditate now. Love to all.

March 19 – One Year, One Day at a Time – One Moment at a Time

 

Today was challenging.  Woke up feeling great.  Taught a good gentle asana and meditation class at 7:00 am and then a private at 8:30.  Nothing else on the books until 5:30 pm.  Felt the void opening, waiting to sallow me up.  Got out of the house.  Took my computer, phone, notebook and reading material to Starbucks and stayed there until noon when I came home.  Jimmy was hungry for lunch, I was not but sat down with him anyway and ate a little dal and cornbread.

At sixes and sevens.  Did not know what to do, unfocused, agitated, aware of anxiety around the cancer diagnosis.  What the heck.  This is not a big deal on one level, but on another it is.  reoccurring thought, I have cancer again.  Really?  Yes, really.  This is real and it is becoming more and more real as Friday rolls around.  Friday I go see Jeff Warren who is my GP.  We will discuss the diagnosis and my options going forward.  Felt a little nauseous today and even now.  I do not want this to be a big deal, but I want to be real.  I do not want to scare myself, but I want to be realistic.

I know there is a part of me, the lost soul, the depressed, long-suffering girl who was abused and abandoned, that part of me wants desperately to become a victim again.   Cancer, a perfect opportunity to go off the rails, to get depressed and self-absorbed.  Yuck.  So draining.  May I be willing to meet cancer face to face and make each decision based on the facts in front of me, on the moment in which I find myself, the place where I am, the ever-changing present moment, one moment at a time.

Taught a great class tonight at 5:30 pm.  Wish there had been more people there but I loved teaching and am grateful to have the opportunity to do so.  A friend call and invited us to dinner.  We chose to come home for left over chicken and roasted veggies.  Nice dinner.  Hearty and comforting.  The Grizzlies are playing the Utah Jazz and cleaning up.  I am here closing out for the night.

This is hard, sometimes, and sometimes not so much.  I am willing to practice being in the present moment.

Life comes with many challenges. The ones that should not scare us are the ones we can take on and take control of.   Angelina Jolie

January 25 – One Year, One Day at a Time – Miraculous

It is that time of day once again.  I am here, at home, watching the Grizzlies beat Houston.  Half time.  Wiping the smudges off my I-phone trying to think of what to say.  Lack of drama in my life.  Our society loves a little drama.  Strange how my life is just going a pace.  No drops into oblivion, no high-flying.  Life goes apace.  Odd that I am not jonesing for something grander, something about which I could write that would be sure to draw your attention.  I.E.  Child abuse, depression, alcoholism (got some of my biggest hits on alcoholism), fear, struggle and generalize doom and gloom.  What else gets the world’s attention?  Pornography.  None of that in my life. Murder?  There is a lot of that in Memphis but not around me.  adultery?  No.  Love my husband.  Not interested in anyone else.  Angst.  Not really.  I am sure I could dream up something to cause turmoil.   NO, I choose not to do that.  Shit.  I got nothin’ to complain about.  Why would you want to read my blog?

Okay, well reporting in as promised.  Got up, drank coffee, meditated, posted a blog, taught a private lesson, and then the high light of my day… I want to the First Presbyterian Church in Memphis to help with a craft’s day organized by  Choices of Memphis to make decorations for the annual Condomonium fund-raiser, held this year on March 1 at Playhouse on the Square.  Here is a sample of our work.

Condoms, condoms everywhere.   What a treat for me.  Out of the house, away from the computer, with other women , laughing about how great it was to be pasting condoms to paper lanterns.  Priceless.

Wow, maybe what happened after was even more wonderful.  Came home to an empty house.  Jimmy want on a long bike ride with his friend Ward Archer.  I had my first marathon TV afternoon in as long as I can remember.  I watched Law and Order, SUV, and then went through all three new episodes of Chicago P.D.  Loved it.  I sat on the floor and cut out pictures for a new image board to high light  novels, completed and published books,and the possibility of teaching yoga workshops across the country,  I include images of meditation. I will paste it all up tomorrow.  I did hip opening poses throughout the experience.  My hips are so tight.  I attribute this to spin class. I am having chronic back pain.  I know that i have to work to remedy the inflammation.  I do  feel better, less back pain, more openness.  Yoga works.  What a concept.

Jimmy came home with Ward who stayed a drink.  We visited for over 2 hours.  Love Ward Archer.  Jordan came just as Ward was leaving. I made him an omelet with sautéed brussels sprouts.  Always so glad to have him here.  Wish I could also see more of my wonderful daughter, Katie Nichols Cook.  She will be bringing our grand-daughter, Amelia over tomorrow afternoon to spend the night. Amelia will be with us Monday too.   Very grateful..

So we, Jimmy and I, ate dinner, roasted chicken and brussell sprouts, with red wine and chocolate covered almonds for desert.  The Grizzlies are still beating Houston and I am finishing a day, not so different than any other day writing this post.  Miraculous in its normalcy.

Amen, Amen

January 10 – One Year, One Day at A Time – Katie

Started the day with a kick ass spin class with Clark Butcher at Victory Bicycle.  After stopping for a latte, I dashed home to make dinner and dal for lunch before teaching a private lesson at my house. I gratefully attended Jimmy’s noon vinyasa class at Midtown Yoga and ran home to eat a bite of lunch.

Next came the highlight of the day, a manicure and pedicure shared with my daughter, Katie.  As we sat across the aisle from one another at Elite Nails, each soaking our nails, I looked at her, the woman she has become, chatting with the technician, laughing, discussing real estate and other matters.  She is so beautiful, smart, kind and easy-going, most of the time.  I am blessed to have her in my life.

Finishing earlier than planned, we decided to go Targeting.  I love to shop with Katie.  She has a way of finding things I want that I would never otherwise see.  We found a snuggly owl blanket and slippers Amelia, some rainy day art toys, a meat thermometer, Olay face wash, Snuggle fabric softener and two seriously cute and sexy workout tops, one each.  Oh, and a great exercise bra for moi.

Must not forget Katie bought Amelia a doctor’s kit.  I have fond memories of the one I had as a child. We picked up the pumpkin from day care and headed back to “my house,” as Amelia says.

Jimmy and I had hoped to see August Osage Country at 4:20 pm, but it was a sell out so we headed home where I finished preparing for teacher training. I start tomorrow at 7am,  teaching pranayama and meditation to the newbies at Midtown Yoga 2014 YTT program.

For dinner, a fabulous meatloaf seasoned rightly with bacon, prunes, onions, garlic and allspice, and braised butternut squash with onions and figs and a glass of red wine, Pinot noir.  Jimmy is watching the Grizzlies who might just beat Phoenix. Maybe?

The novel is coming along…took an unexpected turn, which I, at first, mistrusted, but finally got on board.  This  book has its own life, its own voice.  As it should.  No writing tomorrow.  Yoga takes center court.  Life is good.

No Alcohol By Choice

Be authentic.  Be authentic.  “Alright, already, I hear you, but how can I be authentic when I do not know exactly what is happening?”

I went to a Grizzlies game last night with my husband and another couple.   We parked, entered the forum and went directly to the Plaza lounge.  Our  friends ordered red wine.  Jimmy looked at me, “Do you want anything?”

I paused thinking, I could have a glass of wine, but I said, “No, maybe at intermission.  I mean half-time.”  I fully expected to return at the half and order a glass of red wine, which they were filling to the brim.  Of, course I noticed.  When I drank daily, I always watched how much the bartender poured into the glass. I loved to go where the servers were, shall we say, generous with the pour.  Last night, I watched, I noticed how full the glasses were and still I said, No, I do not want a glass of wine. ”  This dramatic shift in my drinking behavior is incomprehensible.  I have never left a Grizzlies game sober.

We came home, climbed in our down covered bed and closed our eyes.  I was not sleepy. It was late, and I take a spin class at 6:00 am on Wednesday and Friday mornings.   I laid there waiting for fatigue to swaddle me. I recited the  MAHAMRITYUNJAYA MANTRA. 11:15 pm, I am looking at the clock.  Better get up and put Triphala oil on my body.  Abyangha, as it is referred to by Auyrveda practitioners, often works as an instant sleep aid.  I simply rub the infused sesame oil all over by body paying particular attention to my feet, put on my warmest jammies and crawl back into bed.  12:30 am.  Still awake.  I get up again, go to the kitchen and make my favorite nite, nite drink:  warm milk, ghee, grated nutmeg, cinnamon, and turmeric sweetened with honey, another Ayurveda sleep aide.  I savored the warm tonic rolling my growling belly.  It has now been 7 hours since we ate dinner.  Now surely I will fall asleep.  1:00 am.  I am up watching the season finale of Sons of Anarchy.  TV screen reads, “Intended for mature audiences only.”  Very gruesome.  Oh great, now I will be awake the rest of the night reliving the murder I just saw.

My phone alarm sounded at 4:30 am.  Damn, I just went to sleep.  I turned off the alarm and rolled over.  Next thing I know Jimmy was poking me.  “It’s 5:00 am.”  I got up, made coffee and went to spin class.  And here I am still trying to process the fact that I did not drink last night, by choice.  I told myself I could and I did not drink.

There is only one thing, and one thing only, that has changed during this past week.  I know now that I am not my mother.  Does that explain my sudden ability to make a conscious choice about drinking.  Time will tell.

One more thing.  I want to reiterate,  I gave myself permission to drink.  I choice not to drink.  I was not afraid I would drink when we went to the game.  I was not anxious when we entered the lounge.  I simply did not want any alcohol and as the night went on I felt better and better about the choice I had made.  And the sleep thing.  Well there was a full moon last night.