FYI morning pages require constant writing for three pages- no lifting fingers off the keyboard, ignoring punctuation, no cap, no editing. I will go back and correct misspellings but not fragments, I have noticed that since I got my cancer diagnosis i have not taken the time at right to write about and review my day. Like yesterday. It was over all a good day, but there were moment of high anxiety. When I feel that coming on, anxiety that is, i got right to the computer and let words flow through my mind. There is always one that grabs me and then I sit with it and write a haiku around it. Haiku has been working. Seems to keep me more in the moment. I also realize that I do not want to dwell on the negative thoughts I have throughput the day because I do not want to give them more energy. I read a blog this morning that had Henry David Thoreau poem. Can’t find it now, but it was about keeping thoughts moving. Similar to the line to which I have clung ever since I read it on Joan Halifax’s Facebook page. Maybe it was a post she shared a few months ago. ”Let the mind flow freely. Do not dwell on anything.” Tall order, but it works if you work it.
Confession. Took my fingers off the keyboard. Went looking for that damn Thoreau poem and I cannot find it. Knew I should have copied it the minute I saw it. Oh well do not dwell on anything. So yesterday, Amelia spent the night. That would have been on Friday night. We had the kids over for dinner. So much fun. beautiful outside. Ate while watching the Memphis Tigers kill George Washington. So they are still in the tournament. Or at least I think that is who they played. I between cooking and playing with the kids outside and visiting we had a great night. Then Amelia spent the night. Good night’s sleep. Next morning, that would have been Saturday, we got up around 6:30 am. Amelia and I watched the Grinch from start to finish. It is held in the iCloud in my Amazon library.
Amelia love, love, loves this movie and so do I. Cindy Lou is so cute.
Jim Carey is outrageous and the message is priceless. Who cares how stinky and mean you are? You are still lovable. Yesterday was the first time I actually sat and watched it from beginning to end. Then outside to play, walk the dog, run around the neighborhood, visit with our two-doors down neighbor, Mark and his dog Hank, whom Amelia adores. She always asks for see him.
When Mark came out into his yard he looked into my eyes and said, “How are you doing?” with that tone of voice that conveys concern and love. “Great,” I told him and most of the time I am. I have considered what this journey would be like if I have not made my cancer diagnosis public. Then I could hide pretending every day that nothing has changed. But that is so not true. This morning I awoke feeling like a pitted date wrapped in bacon with a toothpick through the middle. You figure that one out.
I dreamed all night about being in college or at least going back to college and not being able to find the books I had stored in an empty classroom somewhere at the university. My ex-professors were being as helpful as they could be trying to help me find my stuff, no luck. But then, as it happens in dreams, the room I was in changed from a classroom into a store where lots of young girls were trying on dresses and jewelry. I could not find anything that suited me. The story of my life. Always feeling I am in the wrong place at the wrong time, square peg, round hole thing. But not now. I am right where I want to be. I love my life. I credit my satisfaction and gratitude to writing. I am writing every day. Gives me so much appreciation for myself, my life and the people in it.
Funny since I got the diagnosis about my right great, the scar on my left breast has been aching. There is a dull ache there right now.
So here we are Sunday morning. Oh forgot to mention the turning point yesterday, the way I went from having my mind wrapped in cancer, that is what Jimmy said.. I told him, “I am anxious. But I have been anxious before. I had days of anxiety before I learned I had cancer. This is just another day.” We were riding on bicycles, side by side on the Greenline, a rails to trails conversion, that runs behind our house. It goes all the way out to Germantown. Anyway, he replied, “Is your mind wrapped in cancer?” Maybe that is where the image, the analogy of the bacon wrapped date comes from. Mind wrapped in cancer. Uck. So we road for 2 hours, not at a fast clip, just enjoying the beautiful weather, and before I knew It, I had moved from “this is hard,” to “life is good.”
We had a great night watching the last episode of Scandal. Well first Jordan come back over. He had been here earlier in the day working on an audition piece. He is coming back today to hopefully wrap that up. So he came for dinner, omelette and sautéed spinach. Stayed to use my new Mac air computer to get a ticket for LA. He still has a little more time off before he starts rehearsals for Gypsy, which he is directing at Playhouse on t he Square. Anyway, he ate, we watched Scandal, which I must say is getting pretty weird. Killing off James. Jake has now turned into the bad guy. His role reversal brings up the question who is giving the orders? The invisible OZ? Cyrus is devastated, but working to work through it. Shit. Is life really this messy or is this show now, like so many others, turned into a nighttime soap opera?
Dinner? Really did not cook or eat dinner. Grazed on left overs. Not in the mood to mess with food. No worries tonight I am making lasagna with rice noodles. That was another part of my dream lat night, explaining to people why I do not eat gluten. I am jumping around but that’s the way morning pages go. Kind of like James Joyce, flow of consciousness. Thither and yon. Watched the end of the Grizzlies’ game. (last night) They won by a pretty good margin. Played well. Then off to bed.
Today is Sunday. I think I my have already said this. I am here at the computer and Jimmy is making granola. Cooler, cloudy, rainy, but nice. I am not wrapped in the blanket of cancer. Have a private client this morning at 9:00 am and then wide open space until 4:00 when Jordan comes back to finish audition piece. I am on my way to meditate now. Love to all.
Writing into the Light 