Memories of AA

put the plug in the

jug.  fake it til you make it.

if you drink you die.

Not Just Alcohol…Moderation in All Things.

Ii find it hard to believe that only alcoholics are concerned about how much they drink.  I have practiced and studied yoga for over 30 years.  Yoga cultivates a keen awareness of how things we consume affect us. the cultivation of subtle awareness amplifies the smallest change in the body.  For instance, soon after starting yoga, I quit smoking cigarettes.  At that time, I smoked one to three cigarettes a day.  Hardly an addiction, but I noticed smoking interfered with my ability to breath during yoga. I wanted to breath deeply.  Later I gave up red meat, not because I wanted to be a vegetarian, but because I felt that my digestive system bogged down, and was overworked by my meat consumption.  I have, on multiple occasions,  given up caffeine, mainly because it makes me anxious, and I do not like to feel jittery.  I am drinking coffee now with little or no effect.  I do not drink more than one cup of full-caffeine and one with half-caffeine. per day. I choose to moderate.

I have long questioned my drinking, because I believe it is my responsibility to maintain health and well-being.  I owe it to myself, my family and to the planet.  I also believe moderation is a practice that cultivates discipline and self-awareness.  I want to be the person who deals with life without self-medicating.  Such behavior, over-consumption of alcohol and other mind-altering substances, only temporarily represses  the consequences of events that will, at some point, have to be dealt with.

I also contend that even the moderate, non-alcoholic drinker has, on occasion, over consumed or, as we say in the South, “has been over-served.”  Never disregard the ability of the mind to play tricks with you.  When in doubt about any habit you have, anything you do on a daily basis, ask questions, stop the behavior for a time and see how you feel. Over consumption in any form over a long period should be  stopped.  Take sugar.  Sugar is poisoning us.  It is responsible for the dramatic uptick in diabetes, heart disease, kidney failure, and obesity.  How much is too much sugar.  Be responsible for your own behavior.  Take care of your side of the street.  When you find yourself judging the behavior of another, turn your finger back in your own direction.  “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  Gandhi

Here is some more information about  Moderate Drinking.

What is Moderate Drinking or Alcohol Consumption?
by David J. Hanson, Ph. D.

What is sensible or moderate drinking? It depends on whom you ask. The U.S. government defines moderate drinking as consuming no more than two drinks a day for men and one for women. And even that has changed. Until recently, the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism’s definition permitted men to drink up to four drinks on a day and still be considered moderate drinkers. 1

A drink in the U.S. is a 12-ounce can or bottle of beer, a five-ounce glass of wine, or 1.5 ounces of liquor (either straight or in a mixed drink). Each contains the same amount of alcohol — six-tenths of an ounce and they are all the same to a Breathalyzer. 2

Moderate drinkers tend to have better health and live longer than those who are either abstainers or heavy drinkers do. In addition to having fewer heart attacks and strokes, moderate consumers of alcoholic beverages (beer, wine or distilled spirits or liquor) are generally less likely to suffer hypertension or high blood pressure, peripheral artery disease, Alzheimer’s disease and the common cold. Sensible drinking also appears to be beneficial in reducing or preventing diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, bone fractures and osteoporosis, kidney stones, digestive ailments, stress and depression, poor cognition and memory, Parkinson’s disease, hepatitis A, pancreatic cancer, macular degeneration (a major cause of blindness), angina pectoris, duodenal ulcer, erectile dysfunction, hearing loss, gallstones, liver disease and poor physical condition in elderly. 4

Standard Drinks
Standard Drinks graphically illustrates information on the equivalence of standard drinks of beer, wine and distilled spirits or liquor. Its accuracy has been established by medical and other health professionals.
The risk of dying in any given year is 25 percent lower for those who consume moderate amounts of alcohol.

Below is an excerpt from Recover Options:  http://www.recoveryoptions.us/resources/moderate-drinking

WHEN DOES MODERATE DRINKING BECOME PROBLEM DRINKING?

The answer to this question depends not only on how much alcohol a person consumes, but also on how drinking affects their behavior; i.e., what actually happens when they drink. For example, drinking too much causes some individuals to become irritable, argumentative, and angry, while others become quiet, withdrawn, and depressed. Also, some people develop medical problems related to drinking at much lower levels of alcohol consumption than do others.

For healthy adults, drinking more than the maximum single-day or weekly moderation limits defined above is considered “at-risk” or “heavy” drinking.  About 1 in 4 people who drink above these limits qualify for a diagnosis of Alcohol Abuse or Alcohol Dependence, and the rest are generally at increased risk for developing alcohol-related problems.

When evaluating a person’s drinking pattern, it is important to take into account not only how much alcohol that person consumes on a given drinking day, but also how often he or she has a “heavy drinking” day—that is, more than 4 drinks in a day for men or more than 3 drinks in a day for women. The more alcohol consumed in a typical drinking day and the more frequently that heavy drinking days occur over time, the greater the chances of experiencing significant alcohol-related problems.

PROBLEM DRINKING  (ALCOHOL ABUSE)

Problem Drinking (also known as Harmful or Hazardous Drinking) is defined as alcohol consumption that exceeds the moderate limits as specified above and causes significant problems for the drinker and/or others, even if these problems are not dramatic or severe. For example, drinking that causes hangovers and/or creates conflict with others are potential signs of problem drinking or alcohol abuse.

Problem drinkers generally do not experience an overwhelming compulsion to drink, do not drink excessively on a daily basis, are not physically dependent on alcohol, and do not neglect responsibilities at home or work due to drinking. For a list of early warning signs of Problem Drinking (Alcohol Abuse), click here.

ALCOHOL DEPENDENCE (ALCOHOLISM)

This is a much more serious condition. Alcoholic drinkers are typically unable to control their drinking once they start (i.e., they have no “off” switch for drinking) and often continue to drink, despite suffering severe and sometimes life-damaging or irreversible consequences. Many experience cravings, urges, and an overwhelming compulsion to drink.

Some alcoholics experience withdrawal symptoms when they try to stop drinking, but others do not. Withdrawal symptoms may include, for example, agitation, extreme anxiety, insomnia, shaking, headaches, and vomiting. Some alcoholics drink every day, but many have an episodic binge pattern in which they drink heavily for one or more days in a row, then stop for days or weeks at a time before starting another binge.

Help For Problem Drinkers

“Everything in moderation, Petty.  Everything in moderation.”  My grand mother, Momo, shrunken and twisted  by a recent stroke, clenches my hand and probes my eyes.  “I love you, Momo.  I love you so much.”  I am thinking, how can she be so kind, so loving, so thoughtful?  She must be in such pain.  She holds my gaze.

This is the grandmother who worked as an accountant well into her eighties.  She did people’s tax returns and kept their books.  She knit, crocheted and needle-pointed up until she had the stroke.  She came each year for a month-long visit.  Everyday at 5:00 pm she put down her needle work and said, “I think it is martini time.”  She never had more than one.  Today, I believe in and attempt to exemplify my grandmother’s dying words.

“Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.”  (St. Augustine)

When I was struggling to overcome my bulimia, I often said, “This would be so much easier if I could just quit eating.  People who smoke too much can give up cigarettes completely.  The same is true of alcohol.  I cannot give up food.  I need it to survive.  This is so f _ _ king hard.”  It was hard, but I did it.  Today I eat whatever and whenever I want.  I particularly love dark chocolate covered almonds.  Ymmm.  In treatment, the therapists told me, “You can never, ever eat almonds again.  They are a trigger food for you.  If you eat them, you will binge and that will throw you right back into your bulimia.”   I guess they were wrong.

I do believe that moderation, the ability to make wise choices, depends on the individuals willingness to look at his/her unconscious thoughts, ideas, and patterns and how these things drive behavior.  My bulimia and a ten-year abstinence from alcohol forced me into long-term therapy.  I attended a week-long inpatient program at Caron in Pennsylvania where I retrieved long-lost memories of sexual abuse.  Bulimia is a by-product of such trauma.  I learned what drove my over eating and subsequent laxative use.  I wanted to stuff painful memories and present to the world someone who was a picture of health, physically and mentally.  What a crock!

Yes moderation requires work, but the result is freedom, freedom from fear, freedom to choose, freedom from rigidity and the prison it creates.

If you have a problem with alcohol, food, cigarettes, shopping, gambling and the like, ask for help.  Tell someone about your concerns.  Ask questions.  Do research. Quit the habit for at least 40 days and see what happens.  If you cannot quit, get help immediately.  Do not be the victim of an out of control habit.

Here is a resource you might find interesting.   http://www.moderation.org/whatisMM.shtml.  The following are clips from their website.
Why is a Moderation Program needed?

According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) and many other independent researchers, there are four times as many problem drinkers as alcoholics in this country. Yet there are very few programs that specifically address the needs of beginning stage problem drinkers, while there are literally thousands of programs for the smaller population who are seriously alcohol dependent.

By the time people reach serious stages of alcohol dependency, changing drinking becomes more difficult, and treatment is usually costly. MM believes that this situation needs to be remedied in the interest of public health and human kindness with early intervention and harm reduction programs. Moderation programs are less costly, shorter in duration, less intensive, and have higher success rates than traditional abstinence-only approaches.

Nine out of ten problem drinkers today actively and purposefully avoid traditional treatment approaches. This is because they know that most traditional programs will label them as “alcoholic”,  probably force attendance at 12 step and abstinence based meetings, and prescribe lifetime abstinence as the only acceptable change in drinking.

They may also have real concerns about how their participation in these programs will affect their jobs and ability to attain future medical and life insurance. MM is seen as a less threatening first step, and one that problem drinkers are more likely to attempt before their problems become nearly intractable.

Not surprisingly,  approximately 30% of MM members go on to abstinence-based programs.  This is consistent with research findings from professional moderation training programs. Traditional approaches that are based on the disease model of alcohol  dependence and its reliance on the concept of powerlessness can be particularly counterproductive for women and minorities, who often already feel like victims and powerless.

Outcome studies indicate that professional programs which offer both moderation and abstinence have higher success rates than those that offer abstinence only.  Clients tend to self-select the behavior change options which will work best for them.

What is Moderation Management?

Moderation Management (MM) is a behavioral change program and national support group network for people concerned about their drinking and who desire to make positive lifestyle changes. MM empowers individuals to accept personal responsibility for choosing and maintaining their own path, whether moderation or abstinence. MM promotes early self-recognition of risky drinking behavior, when moderate drinking is a more easily achievable goal.

What are the basic premises of MM?

Behaviors can be changed. MM agrees with many professionals and researchers in the field that alcohol abuse, versus dependence, is a learned behavior (habit) for problem drinkers, and not a disease. This approach recognizes that people who drink too much can suffer from varying degrees of alcohol-related problems, ranging from mild to moderate to severe. A reasonable early option for problem drinkers is moderation. Seriously dependent drinkers will probably find a return to moderate drinking a great challenge, but the choice to accept that challenge remains theirs.

Moderation is a reasonable, practical, and attainable recovery goal for many problem drinkers. Outcome studies indicate that brief intervention programs are successful and cost effective.

The Values that guide MM:

Members take personal responsibility for their own recovery from a drinking problem.
People helping people is the strength of the organization.
People who help others to recover also help themselves.
Self-esteem and self-management are essential to recovery.
Members treat each other with respect and dignity.

Alcoholic Rebound Effect – Learning More Everyday

I am aware that when I do not drink, the desire, the need, the craving for alcohol arises about the same time every day, between 5:00 and 6:00 pm.  Having spent today observing the effects of last night’s alcohol consumption, I am keenly aware that, in my  body, alcohol produces anxiety.  The following is from the blog, The Healthy Drinker by James Maderios.

The chemical processes involved in a hangover are various and complex, but the culprit linked to post-party fatigue is a lack of glutamine.

 

Glutamine is an amino acid stored primarily in the muscles and lungs. It is an abundant stimulant in the body, used most often in aiding the immune system and purging excess amounts of ammonia in the body. When it comes to hangovers, though, it is the production of glutamine that wreaks havoc

.
Alcohol inhibits the production of glutamine once it enters the bloodstream. This in itself is not a bad thing; it is when the body tries to play catch-up that creates fatigue. Glutamine production revs up after the partying is done and the partier is in bed. The bonus glutamine stimulates the brain and keeps it from achieving a deep sleep.

The effect of being hopped up on glutamine upon waking is fatigue, often punctuated with tremors, anxiety and feelings of restlessness. This diabolical mix of tiredness and scratchy-eyed irritability is known as “glutamine rebound” and can also lead to increased blood pressure, nausea and a host of other ailments.

Ouch.
Since a glutamine rebound is the result of alcohol preventing the production of glutamine, the only real cure is not drinking alcohol, but let’s be realistic; just drinking a bit less than usual will help.

Of course, I should remind everyone that our blog entries are for your information only and are not intended as medical advice. Because everyone is different, you should work with your medical professional to determine what’s best for you. If you’re going to drink, do it legally and responsibly; don’t be stupid =).

Small wonder the drinker who parties heavy one night wants a drink the next.  He is tired, anxious and restless.  A perfect storm.

I will not drink today.  Thy will be done.

Alcohol: Attachment or Aversion

I started this morning off with a bang, thinking, wow, what does one say about feeling so good?  Afraid to say I do not want to drink.  I don’t want to jinx this reprieve.  Afraid the need to drink will come back with a vengeance.  The funny thing about drinking, the idea, the thought, the fantasy I create around drinking is way better than the experience of drinking.  Over the past few months, when I drank, I knew instinctively my body did not want alcohol.  I drank anyway, and sure enough, every time I did, I suffered the consequences.

One day at a time.  One step at a time.  I will not drink today.  I like having more energy.  Yesterday was awesome, but that was yesterday.  This is today. The minute my mind turns back, the minute I want what I had before, I enter the slippery realm of “attachment.”  Yoga teaches that both attachment and aversion cause suffering and suffering means drinking to relieve the pain.

Attachment, the desire to recreate or re-experience a feeling, a meal, some form of pleasure, is what drove me to drink.  The release I felt the first time I drank at age 12 was better than any prior feeling.  Even though I blacked out, even though I felt nauseous, even though I do not really remember what happened that afternoon, I craved the feeling.  This is how habits are formed.  Think about it.  You go to a restaurant and have a delicious piece of sea bass.  It is the best piece of sea bass you have ever eaten, cooked to perfection, plump, succulent, flavorful, and beautifully presented.  It is the most amazing fish ever.  Wallah!  You want more.  The next day, you tell all your friends about it.  “I had the most incredible sea bass last night. I cannot stop thinking about it.”

The next time someone invites you to dinner, you want to go to the same restaurant.  You order the sea bass expecting to have the same pleasurable experience.  You are sorely disappointed.  The fish is overcooked, dry around the edges.  The piece is smaller than the last time and even tastes a little fishy.  You cannot stop thinking about the last meal you had.  You get angry.  You snap at the waitress.  You order another glass of wine to appease your irritation.  Nothing works.  You are still comparing the meal you are now eating to the one you had before, and this one does not measure up.  You are still thinking about sea bass when you awaken the next morning.  Crazy, right?  But we have all been there.

Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated, but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out.

“Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!”

“Brother,” the second monk replied,
“I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her.”

What a wonderful depiction of the attachment and aversion.

Let’s look more closely at aversion.  You quit smoking.  You are so proud of yourself.Now you are repulsed by the smell of cigarettes.  Your company offers you a trip to France to honor the good work you have done.  You love France, especially Paris…the outdoor cafes, the cheese stores, the cathedrals, the gardens, and especially the French cigarettes.  They are strong, flavorful and packaged in boxes rather than cellophane.   But now you do not smoke.  You do not want to even be around people who do.  You go to France and complain the entire time you are there.  You spend your days trying to avoid those places where people smoke.  You do not notice the beauty of the Parisian spring. You forget to savour your food because you are so annoyed by other patrons who are smoking.  You want to go home to your safe, smoke-free environment.

Neither attachment or aversion enhances the quality of life.  Neither one expands our horizons.  The need for control so dominates your life any possible of joy is squelched.  My teacher Rod Stryker has said more than once, “Suffering occurs when our expectations do not match reality, when what the world gives us is different from what we want and need.”

Today, I pray for the wisdom to not become attached to the feeling I had yesterday.  I will accept today as it unfolds, one minute at a time.  In the same way, I pray for the courage not to be afraid of others who are drinking.  I do not want to isolate.  I do not want to make AA my whole world.  I want my life to continue to expand beyond any perceived limitations.  May I please be loving and accepting of myself and others, and make the choices that are best for me.  May I have the courage not to avoid the people I love because I am afraid of alcohol.

Hello world. Day 11 of sobriety.

One day at a time.  We are all in this together.  More from Tao:

Suddenly, things snap into focus.

I’ve been pursuing unity all my life,

But could only glimpse the monstrous vision in fragments.

I has haunted me for years.

Each time I sighted it, I struggled to make it concrete.

At first, it seemed I only had a sculptor’s yard of unfinished figures –

Then it slowly began to make sense,

More and more this mystery life comes together.

It make take years more to reveal the whole.

That’s all right.

I am prepared to got the distance.

It goes on to say, “then with each step upon the path of Tao, your certainty rings from peak to peak.”  Wow, that is how I feel today.  I want to stand on the mountain top and shout out, I feel free.  I am grateful not to be drinking now, today.  What will tomorrow bring?  Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.  The world is not ours to see.  Que sera, sera.

In re-reading some of my morning pages from early September, I was struck by the number of references to alcohol.  Here are some examples.  9/9/13 – Drank so much damn alcohol over this past weekend.  It was as if I was floating in it.  Disgusting, gross.  9/10/13 – All I needed was that blow out weekend to realize how tired I am of drinking.  I am tired of relating to the world through the fog of alcohol.  9/22/13 – It is really no fun to have to much to drink.  No off button.  No alcohol tonight or tomorrow.  Give it a rest. 9/25/13 – No more alcohol.  Not today.  Not tomorrow.  Groggy.  woke up in the middle of the night.  Drinking is not the answer.   9/28/13 – Do not really like drinking anymore..  I do it to be social.  9/29/12 – Do not love my relationship to alcohol.  10/2/13 – So you drank too much again last night.  How does that make you feel?  do you feel food about yourself?  Does it add pep to your step?  Do you feel more alive, more energetic?  When are you going to wake up and stop this?  I cannot believe you think alcohol enhances your life in any way.  Fucking alcohol.  Walk away from it.  10/29/13 – Need a break from alcohol.  Going forward on Sundays and Mondays, no drinking.  10/30/13 – Definitely starting today.  Ask for help.  Divine Mother take away my desire to drink. Guide me into the light.  Let me see the world through clear eyes and an  open heart. No alcohol.  Okay good., My body is screaming at me, please no more alcohol.

Wow, so glad I have this record of the past few months.  There is so much more, but the message remains the same.  Quit drinking.  I cannot say I will never drink again, but I will not drink today.  Divine Mother, thank you for another day of sobriety.  I am so incredibly grateful.  Words cannot express the relief I feel, the joy, and the exuberance.  Life is good.

Alcohol Free = Energy

I have so much energy today. I really feel terrific.  The best I have felt in a long time.  I taught two private classes this morning.  I had delicious, inspiring lunch with a friend.  I then helped some other friends with a mailing.  I came home and read the next chapter in The Artist Way.  I made an additional  blog entry.  Now I am finishing up a big soup pot full of moong bean dal.  Jimmy is roasting a chicken with vegetables.  He  built a blazing fire.  We have both put on our “quitters.”  We are snuggling in for a night in front of the TV.  Master of Sex coming up.

End of day 9.  Still sober.

Alcohol: The MIddle Path – Keep Questioning

F_ _ k this not drinking.  Even though I am not drinking, I still woke up at 3:30 am and could not go back to sleep.  I still have a headache every morning.  Maybe that is a result of the bit of sugar I had last night.  I could quit sugar too.  Why not give up eating and drinking all together?  When is enough, enough?

I do not feel closer to others.  I actually feel as if I have created a self-imposed prison.  I did not have dinner with a friend last night because I knew I would want to drink if I did.  Well f_ _ K that.  I wanted to drink anyway, and I missed spending time with someone I love very much.  Why am I doing t his?  Do I really believe I am an alcoholic?  People in AA would say, yes, you are an alcoholic because you think about drinking.  You question your drinking.  I dare say there are others out there who sometimes drink to excess, who think about what cocktail they will have in the evening, and  who plan a party with the idea of what special alcoholic concoction they will serve.  Are all of them alcoholics?

Saying that every person who ever thinks about alcohol or makes plans around alcohol is like saying that only Christians who believe in Jesus will go to heaven.  When my daughter was in Catholic high school, she dared to question this doctrine.  She was in a required religion class.  The nun was explaining that all those who did not believe in Jesus Christ were condemned to eternal damnation.  I do not know exactly how she worded her disagreement, but she made it clear she could not believe in a God who would turn his back on the majority of the world’s population because they did not take Christ into their hearts.

In the same vein, I do not believe that all people who questions their alcohol consumption are alcoholics.  One of the basic precepts of yoga is svadyaya, self-study.  It requires going so far into yourself that you do not come out until you find peace with that which is deep within.  In the book, 365 TAO, on page 344,Deng-Ming-Dao says,

“Don’t be inhibited.  If you hold back from achieving your hearts desires, you will become bitter and frustrated.  If you hold back from expressing yourself, your creativity will stagnate.  If your hold back from taking action, you will become impotent with timidity.  Don’t stop anything. Let your uniqueness flow freely.

In the beginning, one must adhere to structure — artificial though it may be )) until one attains the proper understanding to behave with uninhibited spontaneity.  Thus one must spend a certain amount of time studying structure until there is no need for structure.   By that time, one will have thoroughly absorbed the secret of moderation and one will be able to act with correctness and spontaneity.

How ironic is it that the above was today’s reading?  There really are no coincidences in this world.  Everything we need is here in this moment.  I have spent the last 30 years of my life, in self-study.  I am always learning more and more about myself, about this thing we call being human and about the world I live in.  Krishnamurti, the great teacher and philosopher cautioned, (this is paraphrased) “Beware of breaking out of one prison only to create another.”  He also said,

“Don’t be afraid to be discontent, but give it nourishment until the spark becomes a flame and your are everlastingly discontented with everything so that you really begin to think, to discover.  You see, without this flame of discontent your will never have the initiative which is the beginning of creativeness.  To find out what is true you must be in revolt against the established order.  So one must have this total discontent –but with joy.”

I must say I am not experiencing much joy these days.  I have the “discontent ” part down.  Where is the joy?

My self-study continues to come back, again and again, to my mother.  The bitch is dead, but she haunts me.  I see her drinking, daily, sometimes throughout the entire day.  Then I see myself as her.  I am not her.  I have not spent an entire day drinking since my college days and even then, I never woke up and drank a beer first thing in the morning.  My mother used to make those weird hangover concoctions with beer and tabasco and a raw egg.  Ugh!  Even when I am with friends who have cocktails at lunch, I rarely drink because I know it will affect the rest of my day.  I will feel sluggish and groggy, and I probably end up in bed.  I do not want to spend my precious time recovering from a glass of champagne.

The practice of not drinking is bringing up so many questions.  I am grateful for this time.  As a yoga teacher and practitioner, I believe freedom, moksha, real freedom, is the product of a self-understanding.  I am not you and you are not me.  “This is not your life, it is life itself and we are all in it together”…  I continue to offer my struggles to the highest good of all.  I do not believe for a minute that I am the only one who asks myself the question,” How much is too much?  How often is too often?  What is enough?  Do I have a problem with alcohol, food, television, shopping, reading, and so on?

My dear friend Cyndi Lee just spent  7 days in a silent retreat at Upaya, a zen  center in Sante Fe.  When I spoke with her last night, she talked about how challenging it was to be still and to have rigidly defined structure.  She said, “There was nothing to look forward to.  Every day was the same.  We sat in meditation, we ate, we cleaned our rooms, we rested, we sat again, we ate, we meditated, and we slept. ”  She said there were times when she dropped in to  the routine and was comforted by it.  I admire her courage.

But I also know that we are “householders.”  We live in the world.  I practice yoga and meditation on a daily basis so that I can be a part of the world in which I live.  I am grateful for teachers like Cyndi and Rod Stryker and others, including myself, who spend time in reflection, apart from outside stimuli, but I know for myself, and I would hazard to say for Cyndi too, that we do it so that we can be a part of the greater good, so that we can serve others,not permanently separate from them.

My favorite grandmother, Momo, told me on her death-bed, “Petty, always have something to look forward to.  Just a little something.  And remember, everything in moderation.”

What would life be like without our friends and families, without the daily events we plan, the things we do that engage us?  My grand baby, Amelia, comes to our house every Monday.  I love our time together.  I anticipate the day with wonder and excitement.  She brings so much joy into our lives.  I enjoy having friends over for dinner, or at least I did, until I quite drinking.  We are hosting a neighborhood party this Friday.  We planned it over a month ago, before I decided to give up alcohol.  I love all the people who plan to attend, but now I am dreading the event.  I will be separate, just as I was at the luncheon on Sunday.  I will have fun, I always do because I know how to pretend,  In fact, I pretend so well that I am now not sure when i am really enjoying myself.  When is it an act and when is it real?

My whole life, I have felt separate, different from others.  Yoga teaches that this kind of thinking is an illusion.  There is no separation.  We are all one.  In AA, they say that this feeling of being separate is what drives alcoholics to drink.  I do not believe that is entirely true.  Acknowledging separateness is accepting the human condition.

For a long time I worked with the sankalpa, ” I am happy to be sober because I feel so much closer to my friends and family.”  Oh but if that were the case!

Looking back, I remember clearly that to stay sober for the 10 years that I did, I gave my entire life over to AA.  I gave up all my old friends, I spend hours in meetings and with other recovering alcoholics.  Yes, I did not drink.  Yes, I was sober, but my life was incredibly small, limited.   Depression set in.  The doctor put me on prozac.   Was it because I was unhappily married?  Was I disatissfied with myself and my life?  Will I ever be satisfied?

Tantra teaches that life is ever expanding, that there are no limitations.  Paul Tillich taught that the answer to every question reveals  a deeper, more profound question.  We start with small inquiries and keep moving higher and higher into the realm of the vast unknown, but we continue because we know there is more.  This is because, according to Tillich, a lifelong pursuit of philosophy reveals that the central question of every philosophical inquiry always comes back to the question of being, or what it means to be, to exist, to be a finite human being.

I do not want to give up all my friends to live a sober life.  I must find my own way.  I do believe there is a middle path.  When I went to treatment for bulimia, the counselors there told me I would always have an eating disorder.  I do not.  When I quit smoking years ago, people told me I would never be able to touch another cigarette.  “If you do, you will start smoking again.”  I did, now and then, take a drag off of a cigarette, but I never returned to daily smoking.

I will find the middle path for alcohol.  I will.

The journey continues.  Day 10.  Still sober.

P.S.  I wrote my therapist last night.  This is  the man who saved my life two years ago..  Here is what I said, “Do you have any openings this week for an appointment?  Feeling strangely psychotic.  Not suicidal.  Watching myself thoughts go from one extreme to the other.  Have not ingested any alcohol for 9 days.  Been going to AA meetings which I hate, blogging about the whole thing.  I really need to get clear about my relationship to alcohol.”  I am seeing him at 1:00 pm on Wednesday.

Whew! Restless, Irritable, Discontent

I spent three hours yesterday at a Holiday party where almost everyone but me was drinking the entire time.   I did not realize until I came home how exhausted I felt.  I enjoyed the party, the conversations I had, the food, and I was grateful that I did not drink.  But today, I have what feels like an emotional hangover.  I woke up groggy.  I over slept and did not want to get out of bed.  Once up, I sluggishly drank a cup of coffee while I sat down to do my morning writing.  Since I have been sober, 9 days now, the mornings have been a time of clarity.  I enjoy reading the paper, drinking my coffee, writing, meditating and starting my day with ease.

Not so today.  I was antsy from the get go.  I could not focus on my writing.  I am still having trouble getting on the page what I am experiencing in the real world.  I want out, out of my own skin.  When I left my private client this morning, I decided to get my hair cut.  Then I changed my mind.  I want to dye my hair again.  Changing my hair color will make me feel better.  I wanted to be different, to do something, anything to change the way I was feeling in that very moment.

This irritablilty only increased as the morning slid headlong into noon.  Amelia is here.  We  colored, watched Christmas cartoons, tickled each other, played with the dog, drew pictures and dumped all the marbles on the floor.  Normally, I would be fully engaged.  I love being with Amelia, but today I felt trapped and stuck.  I wanted to be anywhere but here.

Finally I called a friend, who is an alcoholic like me.  We talked.  I shared with her the anxiety I felt about going tonight to another friend’s house for dinner.  This particular friend is one with whom I have shared many an evening over a bottle or two of wine.  Just the idea of going to her home brought up unfathomable discomfort.  The more I tried to talk myself into being okay, the worse I felt.  I need space now.  I cannot make myself go somewhere I associate so strongly with drinking.  Even if she is not drinking, I will want to drink.  On Friday, when she invited me to come for dinner, I was excited, excited because I thought, “Yeah, I can go over to her house and drink.  She will have wine.  I can ask her not to tell Jimmy.  No one needs to know.”  Really?  Yes, that is how my mind works.  How can I watch myself think these thoughts and then doubt that I am an alcoholic.

Anyway after I shared all these crazy thoughts with my sober friend, I felt so much better.  She said, “I know what you mean.  I remember feeling that way too. I had a friend I drank with a lot.  We are still great friends but I had to take some time to get sober before I could spend time with her.”

I shared crying, “I need to be safe.  I just want to be safe.”

“Yes, of course you do.”  She said.  “That is your Soul telling you what you need.”

I sent her a text.  “Thank you.  I feel so much better after talking to you.  I am here for you too.”

She wrote back. “I feel better too.”

Now I know what they tell me in the AA meetings is true.  “When you feel restless, irritable or discontent, reach out.  Call another alcoholic.”

Surrender

So much going on today.  I just want to say I will not push to get everything done.  My agenda is not more important than my serenity.

I cannot attend a meeting today.  I have Amelia to take care of, a private lesson to teach, food to cook, a class to teach, a call to make this afternoon, dinner with a friend, and more writing to do.  I am stopping now to breath, to relax and to remind myself to surrender to life as it is in this moment.

Day 9.  Still sober