Poor Tiger Woods. Seems ever since his wife learned of his multiple infidelities, his golf game has not been up to “par.” (pretty good pun, don’t you think?) My life feels a little like that right now. I have been traveling so much that I cannot seem to get back into the “swing” of day-to-day life. Everything gets on my nerves.
Yesterday, my dear husband, who has been bearing the brunt of my frustration, and I, spent 4 hours working through the application for India visas. I have never been on such an ill-conceived website. Travis India Outsourcing needs a good kick in the butt. Each and every time we thought we were about to complete this arduous process, the next page on the website informed us of requirements that we had either not yet fulfilled or which had, in fact, been completed incorrectly. At the very end of the process, there is a check list to assure that the applicant has everything he or she needs to apply. It is,at this point, that we discovered eye glasses are not allowed in visa pictures. Jimmy had to go back to Walgreen’s to have another photo taken. He then had to redo half the process. Truth be known, we are still not sure whether or not we have complied with all the nit picky stipulations. Oy Vey.
Sometimes we push the rock up hill. Sisyphus, a figure of Greek mythology, was condemned to repeat forever the same meaningless task of pushing a boulder up a mountain, only to see it roll down again. Some days require more persistence than others. My teacher, Rod Stryker, tells us that the true measure of practice is how well we deal with life’s complexities. I definitely agree that without my practice I would be a real nut case. But I also acknowledge that some days are just harder than others and it is okay to admit temporary defeat. The only true failure is lying down in the middle of the battle field of life and refusing to get up.
A chronic sufferer of depression, I tend to berate myself in situations that annoy me especially when I am not taking my anti-depressant. I hate those damn things. My therapist tells me that if I was I diabetic who need insulin, I would take it. She compares diabetes to depression. I would side with her, if I did not know that 1 out of every 10 people in America is on some kind of anti-depressant. Really? Would not these stats indicate a major sociological dilemma? Would not this systemic, societal problem be better addressed by changing the conditions, stress, alienation, expectations of perfection, fear, aggression and the big one, misrepresentation of what is real that create the suffering?
Whoa! This is a global problem. We cannot get too global because then we are overwhelmed by the scope of our inadequacy. Screw that. What if everyone who took anti-depressants because their life would otherwise be pretty messy, decided to rebel?
Would we not then have a greater impetus for change? Anti-depressants dull the pain and anxiety, but at a great cost. Our creativity, our joy and wonder, our capacity to experience life’s complexities on a deep, meaningful level is also diminished.
Yes, sometimes I feel like Sisyphus, nose to the grind stone, pushing the rock of life up the hill only to watch it roll back down. But isn’t that the way of neti, neti? Life is never just this or that. We label our thoughts and actions and in so doing create prisons from which the Soul cannot escape. Now there is cause for depression. So what is up is not up and what is down is not down. It simply is.
The golf ball I hit may end up in the rough or, it could land on the fairway, but it is always and forever only a golf ball. the important thing is to get up and keep swinging, Stay in the game. What is par anyway?
Writing into the Light 