Cut Through – Brighten Up

From my wise friend Cyndi Lee, “When it gets bogged down I have to keep going and find a way to brighten it up, to cut through.”

Getting bogged down has been a huge stumbling block for me.  My tendency to tumble into darkness is a lifetime obstacle, lessened to a great degree by my practices, specifically asana and meditation.  And I should mention diet.  I have made what some would think to be drastic food changes since my trip to India last February.

Me, with my fellow travelers, at the back of the bus in India, 2013

I rarely if ever eat cold foods, anything frozen, with ice, or refrigerated.  I shop and cook daily so the food I eat and serve my family is fresh. I have cut way back on my consumption of alcohol, two glasses of wine a night, if at all.  And I do not skip meals.  I chronically skipped breakfast, the most important meal of the day.

Okay good.  But my mind is my mind and there resides remnants of self-doubt, depression, lethargy (well not so much) and an idea that I must not get too big.  I want to cut through that idea.  I want to be bigger and brighter in every way.  It all starts with self-love, self-acceptance, giving up the idea that I need to improve.  Pema Chodron says, “The problem is that the desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself. The other problem is that our hang-ups, unfortunately or fortunately, contain our wealth.”

I have a wealth of wisdom, clarity and determination.  I am also incredibly energetic for short periods of time.  I am a sprinter.  I could never run a 4 mile race.  Well, I could, but I certainly would not win.  Length is not my strength.  I can be irritable, but most often it is because I have pushed to hard, or I expect to much.  I am sometimes irritable, but that irritability has lots of energy.  It’s one of the things that make my dynamic…..hmmm.

In loving myself, I love the world.  Mark Nepo:

I can only say that loving yourself is like feeding a clear bird that no one else can see.  You must be still and offer your palm full of secrets like delicate seed.  As she eats your secrets, no long secret, she glows and you lighten…And the light through her body will bathe you till you wonder why the gems in your palms were ever fisted.

“Why the gems in your palms were ever fisted.”  Today, lets open our fists, cut through whatever old idea is bogging us down.  Let the invisible, clear bird in you fly and sing.  It takes courage but you can do it.  “Be loyal to your own self-worth.”

January 5 – One Year, One Day at A Time – Fire

I will definitely weigh in at the end of this amazing day, but I had to post now to remind myself and you to keep the internal fires burning.  We are in for a real Arctic blast.  No worries.  Do not hold up in your house.  Get out.  Go to yoga.  Have dinner with a friend.  Do those things in the next few days that bring the light of the Divine into clear view.  Remember that your internal fire burns brighter and hotter than any external heat you can create.  And it’s free.  It does not harm the planet.  Your fire, the light within you is the light of your Soul.  It is a powerful source of limitless energy, but you must tend it.  Do abhyanga daily.  Practice agni sara, uddiyana bandha, and ashwini mudra.   If you do not know what these things are, find out.  Ask your yoga teacher to show you. If he or she does not know, find another teacher.  Take time to sit, be still.  Meditate. Do prana dharana.Wait for the light to appear from within and then bath in its warmth.  Bath in the Light of the Divine Artist in you.

 

No Alcohol By Choice

Be authentic.  Be authentic.  “Alright, already, I hear you, but how can I be authentic when I do not know exactly what is happening?”

I went to a Grizzlies game last night with my husband and another couple.   We parked, entered the forum and went directly to the Plaza lounge.  Our  friends ordered red wine.  Jimmy looked at me, “Do you want anything?”

I paused thinking, I could have a glass of wine, but I said, “No, maybe at intermission.  I mean half-time.”  I fully expected to return at the half and order a glass of red wine, which they were filling to the brim.  Of, course I noticed.  When I drank daily, I always watched how much the bartender poured into the glass. I loved to go where the servers were, shall we say, generous with the pour.  Last night, I watched, I noticed how full the glasses were and still I said, No, I do not want a glass of wine. ”  This dramatic shift in my drinking behavior is incomprehensible.  I have never left a Grizzlies game sober.

We came home, climbed in our down covered bed and closed our eyes.  I was not sleepy. It was late, and I take a spin class at 6:00 am on Wednesday and Friday mornings.   I laid there waiting for fatigue to swaddle me. I recited the  MAHAMRITYUNJAYA MANTRA. 11:15 pm, I am looking at the clock.  Better get up and put Triphala oil on my body.  Abyangha, as it is referred to by Auyrveda practitioners, often works as an instant sleep aid.  I simply rub the infused sesame oil all over by body paying particular attention to my feet, put on my warmest jammies and crawl back into bed.  12:30 am.  Still awake.  I get up again, go to the kitchen and make my favorite nite, nite drink:  warm milk, ghee, grated nutmeg, cinnamon, and turmeric sweetened with honey, another Ayurveda sleep aide.  I savored the warm tonic rolling my growling belly.  It has now been 7 hours since we ate dinner.  Now surely I will fall asleep.  1:00 am.  I am up watching the season finale of Sons of Anarchy.  TV screen reads, “Intended for mature audiences only.”  Very gruesome.  Oh great, now I will be awake the rest of the night reliving the murder I just saw.

My phone alarm sounded at 4:30 am.  Damn, I just went to sleep.  I turned off the alarm and rolled over.  Next thing I know Jimmy was poking me.  “It’s 5:00 am.”  I got up, made coffee and went to spin class.  And here I am still trying to process the fact that I did not drink last night, by choice.  I told myself I could and I did not drink.

There is only one thing, and one thing only, that has changed during this past week.  I know now that I am not my mother.  Does that explain my sudden ability to make a conscious choice about drinking.  Time will tell.

One more thing.  I want to reiterate,  I gave myself permission to drink.  I choice not to drink.  I was not afraid I would drink when we went to the game.  I was not anxious when we entered the lounge.  I simply did not want any alcohol and as the night went on I felt better and better about the choice I had made.  And the sleep thing.  Well there was a full moon last night.