My friend, Jeanne, told me, “I did not quit wine. Wine quit me.”
My response was, “What the Hell does that mean?”
She tried to explain to me how her body began to reject wine. She said, “Every time I drink, I get sick. No matter how much or how little alcohol I have, my body responds with headaches, nausea and general malaise. Drinking stopped being fun a long time ago, but I kept doing it anyway. Now I can’t drink at all because my body rebels.”
Wow. I really did not believe her then, but now I do. I had two glasses of wine last night. I went by a girl friend’s house around 6:40 pm. She had just gotten home from a long day at work. She offered me a glass of wine. I accepted, drank half of it and we left for dinner. At the restaurant, Cafe 1912, I ordered a glass of Rose, just one.
I must digress. How many times over the past few months have I gone out to eat and been disappointed by my meal? Last night was definitely one of those occasions. When the waiter came to our table to describe the specials, this is what I heard him say. “Tonight we have a fillet of flounder, pan seared, served with roasted parsnips, carrots, potatoes and peas.” He also mentioned a beurre blanc sauce. Well, I immediately started salivating. I pictured a plump piece of fish surrounded by a generous portion of chunky roasted vegetables all covered in a yummy sauce.
I said, “Give me that.” Boy was I disappointed. When the waiter brought our food, I took one look at my meal and thought, what the hell is this? There on my big, white plate was the tiniest piece of fish you have ever seen. To make matter worse, it was the tail end of the fish, about 1/8″ thick and maybe 2 & 1/2″ long. The vegetables were cut into bite size pieces, the way I would prepare food for my two-year old grand-daughter. I could not distinguish the parsnips from the potatoes or the carrots because they were all so finely diced. Stringy overcooked fish, a scant portion of diced vegetables and a glass of wine, with tax and gratuity, cha-ching, $39.00. I will be calling Cafe 1912 later today to complain.
Now what? More about drinking. There is always more to say about drinking.
I woke up this morning at 4 am with a raging headache. I only had 2 glasses of wine….really only one and 1/2. In reflection, I realize I did not want to drink, but I did. I could hear my body, my spirit screaming, “I hate alcohol. Stop putting that crap in my body. We have way more fun when you do not drink. Who cares what people think and say? Why are you afraid to stop drinking? What do you think will happen?. I will tell you what is going to happen. You are eventually going to stop drinking. No matter how long it takes. I will not give up on you.”
“I do not want any more alcohol in my system. I want to be clear at parties, when I am out with friends, at home in the evenings, at social gatherings and especially with family. No more “starting today.” No more excuses. Tonight at Ward’s house, when he says, ‘What do you want to drink?’ (And he will ask.)
Your answer will be___________? ”
Good question. What will my answer be? I am already wavering. How can I show up at a party where all the people are drinking and not drink? I have all the best intentions until I come face to face with the choice, to drink or not to drink.
In all fairness, it took me 20 years to stop smoking, 26 years to stop abusing laxatives, and 30 years to put aside my bulimia. These things take time. Do I get drunk when I drink? Rarely. Then why do I want to quit? I want to quit drinking because I believe it is my destiny to be crystal clear, free of the need to put mind altering substances in my body.
My teacher, Rod Stryker, says that to change a life time habit one has to learn how to stop going from point A directly to point B (the habit). Instead of falling into the old pattern, one moves to point C (the new behavior). In order to change the course of a lifetime habit, I must redirect my energy. I must start to look toward point C and forget that point B ever existed. How does one make such a dramatic change? Rod postulates that according to yoga, to change a habit one’s enough desire (shakti) and energy (prana) to overcome the past, (karma).
Divine Mother, light a fire in me so bright that it burns a new path, a path from point A (starting out sober) to point C (staying sober). Guide me today. Help me to move, however slowly, with determination toward a new way of being.
Sobriety next exit. I am stone cold sober and loving every minute of it.
May we have the courage to take the step
Into the unknown that beckons us;
Trust that a richer life awaits us there,
That we will lose nothing
But what has already died John O’Donohue
Writing into the Light 