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I See Myself Through the Eyes of The Divine Mother

I see myself in the middle of a wide open stage.  I am standing, alone, in front of hundreds of people.  I am confident, poised and ready to speak.  I know I am going to talk about transformation.   I am going to do a 10 minute yoga demonstration showing the audience what is physically possible through the practice of yoga.  At 62, I am remarkably fit.  I am strong.  I am flexible and I can do some pretty cool yoga poses:  head stand,                                             Jimmy and I at the beach in Destin

arm balances like pincha mayurasana,

Me at Gray Bear

bakasana, titbasana, ashtavakrasana, and eka pada koundhanasana, and back bends.                                   Me on a hiking trip, with friends, in North Carolina

Why would I show the audience these specific poses?  Yoga promises us self-actualization.  These poses have taught me that I am more than my limited vision of myself.  The physical practice of yoga teaches me that I can always move from one place, wherever I am in any given moment, to a better place, a place of deeper understanding, greater determination, more clarity and ease.  Although challenging and often looked upon as “party poses,” once mastered, the poses I listed show what is possible with long-term, regular practice (abhyasa) and devotion.

This morning in my seated meditation, I clearly saw myself on the same stage ready to demonstrate the poses I have already mentioned, and to tell how my life has changed over the years through the practice of yoga.  But this time something was different.  I could see who was in my audience.  Young people fill the auditorium.  These are the people I most want to reach….middle schoolers, adolescents, and teens, all waiting for me to talk.  I knew in that moment that this is my purpose.  I will share my story with young people.  This is my dharma.

Quite often in my morning pages I write these lyrics from a Ben Lee song.  “We are all in this together.”  Over and over again, I write the same words. “We are all in this together.”  This morning I wrote, With the inspiration and guidance of the Divine Mother, I am doing what I love to do, writing and telling my story, and I am making more money than I ever have.  “We are all in this together.”  Be all you can be.  Do it.  Stand up in front of those kids.  The world is not ours to see, que sera, sera.  Whatever will be will be.

I want all children to know that they deserve to thrive, be healthy, be safe, be happy, and to have the resources they need be curious.  All children need love and attention, food and shelter, support and encouragement.  We need to tell them that they can do whatever they want to do it they set their minds and hearts to the task.  Just do it.  Whatever happened to the belief that we can make the world a better place? Cynicism, nay-saying and pessimism do not serve any purpose.  We must look for solutions.  We do not have to have specific goals, or even a plan of action, but we must show up to ourselves and the world every day ready to do the next indicated thing.

I want authenticity, transparency.  I will never give up my quest to see myself through the eyes of the Divine Mother.  Who knows what the future will bring?  Why should I hide who I really am from the world?  I do not fear death.  I fear dying not having fully lived.  If I falter, if I make a mistake, so be it.

The voice inside me shouts, “Stand up.  Be seen.  Be heard.  Do not hide behind the mask of false happiness.  Do not hide behind wealth or poverty.  Do not hide behind  knowledge or ignorance.  If you want to succeed, you can, but you must kindle your desire. Listen to your heart’s desire.  Desire precedes all dreams.  Do not doubt yourself.  Doubt is your greatest enemy.  Be willing to take the first step toward your dream.  If you fall down, get up. Take the first step again and again, and then keep on going.  No matter what obstacles arise, do not give up.  I did it.  I changed.  I am thriving.  You can do it.”

Commitment

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy,

the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness…

But the moment one definitely commits oneself,

then Providence moves, too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never

otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the

decision rising in one’s favor.

All manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings

and material assistance which no man could have

dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Begin it now.

            -Goethe

You are never alone.

Being and Becoming

The wash machine tumbles, the computer hums. Its automatic back-up system buzzes like a swarm of angry bees in my left year. I sit wide-eyed, empty minded before this screen waiting for the words, any words, to spit out.  Writing is a relationship, between the author and the page, when ignored, it languishes, it becomes dull and fades into darkness.  What brings me back to the page?  Is it loneliness, the longing for a deeper truth, a sense that there is more to living than moving through a day of meditation, yoga, work, time with family and friends, exercise, cooking and eating, TV, reading, studying and eventual sleep.

Enjoyment, fulfillment, and intimacy have never been enough for me.  I say my ennui is due to my compulsion to become one with The Eternal.  The Eternal what?  Do I seek communion with God, Jesus, Buddha, emptiness, Divine Light, peace, compassion, or some unnamed Guru yet to be revealed and worshiped.? No, I am the person who, upon seeing my reflection in the mirror, gazes down afraid to meet the eyes of the one I see? I am the one who has refused to write a single word since December of 2012.

How many times have students, friends and relatives inquired, “Have you written anything lately?  When are you going to start writing again?”  When I started this blog, I was brutally angry at myself, my parents and all of you for turning a deaf ear to my angst.   Yes, I banged my head into the glass wall which I claimed separated the cowards who seek refuge from the truth and the warriors who throw themselves at it without. “Bring down the Damn wall,” I screamed.  “Who gives a shit if anyone is crushed by its demise.”   Did I hurt others?  Some say yes.  But who have I hurt most with my silence?

Now, although I am in many ways happier and healthier than I have ever been, I miss the part of me who spilled her guts, told it all, aired her dirty laundry, who ran into the streets screaming to God above, “Hear my plea.  Free me from the prison of my misery, my shame, my guilt and my fear.” I’ll be damned, HE did as I asked.  I no longer take antidepressants.  Alcohol is not my sole companion.  I have no one to rail against, no one to blame, no one to hate, and nothing to write.

No.  I do not believe that the Muse dies when our pain is gone.  How will I write again?   Like this.  One word at a time until the stream, which has for the last eight months run dry, begins to trickle, to dribble over the rocks of my barren mind moistening the dry hard bed of my creative soul.  I will ride the words of this moment into the next.  My self-doubt, my fear of writing beyond my own pain and suffering will eventually subside and my heart will once again reveal itself to me.  What will I find in the cave of my own heart, the place of limitless possibilities.  Only time will tell.

I have quoted Goethe before, but I believe his words bare repeating.

 “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now. “

I commit today to write every day for the next 40 days.  Day 1