personal chores

oral hygiene, good

grooming, abyangha, neti,

elimination

Deeper Than That

Boy I have got it going on today.  Getting sick, stopping the momentum, having a minute to observe where I am and what, there is that word again, what, I am feeling, I sense…screw that.  I do not sense anything.  I am restless.  I do not like being stuck inside on a glorious day.  I do miss the world of commerce.  I love writing, i do, but it does not generate income, not now at least.  I have worked with the sankalpa, I am doing what I love to do and making more money than I ever have. Need to get back to putting those words at the front of my mind. I guess I am just not feeling it today.  Slight inkling of self-doubt creeping in.  Aerobic exercise always helps, but my cough prohibits too much of that.  But you can be sure that I am getting up tomorrow and going to spin class.  I missed it on Wednesday.  I never miss.  When I make a commitment, I show up.  Took me years to learn how to do that, show up.

Depression is a great excuse for dropping out.  I played the depression card on many an occasion.  Funny thing about depression.  Mine anyway.  My depression was driven by a sense of abandonment, separation, and existential alienation from the world at large.  I never knew I could reach out, pick up the phone, call a friend, go on a walk, get a glass of wine with a girl friend, go to the movies, meet for coffee, or write.  I never wrote, not when I was deeply depressed.  Too much effort.  Meditation is particularly challenging when depression prevails.  I believe that being connected to myself through meditation and stillness is key to a happy, productive life, but I need human contact. I do not need to isolate when I am depressed.  It may be what I want or think that I want, to be alone, but it is the worst possible thing for me.   I love being with others.  I like laughter, touching, looking into the eyes of another, sharing common experiences, telling stories, playing games, traveling with friends and family, being a part of something greater than myself.

I write because I want to connect, to reach out and touch the Oneness of humanity, to be with others while I am alone in my room, in my bed, under the comforter, pecking at my computer.  I can feel you out there.  I know you may read this.  You may relate to my feeling of isolation.  You might understand my need….

Wait, wait just a minute.  I have been ignoring myself again.  Damn it.  How does this happen without me noticing it?  When is the last time I washed my hair?  I did take a bath yesterday, but only a perfunctory one, in and out and dry within minutes.  No dry brushing, no lounging in the tub, no candles, no bath salts, just in and out.  Have I put on make up recently?  No.  Have I bothered to comb my hair?  No.  Am I depressed?  No.  So what is going on?  When did it start, this apathy?  Was it when I started to feel puny?  I had a great time at yoga teacher training on Saturday.  A fun evening out with girl friends that night.  Good day Sunday.  it was incredibly beautiful.  Jimmy and I went on a long bike ride.  Felt great.  Monday morning I got up and went to yoga boot camp.  We kept Amelia.  Ahh.  That’s when this started.  I had a bit of a sore throat and was tired.  I enjoyed Amelia.   In fact, we had an exceptional day, but I was dragging when I went to teach that night.  Been downhill ever since.

I have not been working as much on my book.  Feel some shame and guilt around that.  I have written today, quite a bit.  Spent time reflecting, investigating, observing and accepting.  All good.  Going right now to get into a hot bath.  Dry brush my body.  Soak.  Wash my hair.  Put on make up and clean clothes.  Make a few phone calls.  Reach out to some friends.  Love you.  Mean it.  Thanks for listening.

January 5 – One Year, One Day at A Time – Fire

I will definitely weigh in at the end of this amazing day, but I had to post now to remind myself and you to keep the internal fires burning.  We are in for a real Arctic blast.  No worries.  Do not hold up in your house.  Get out.  Go to yoga.  Have dinner with a friend.  Do those things in the next few days that bring the light of the Divine into clear view.  Remember that your internal fire burns brighter and hotter than any external heat you can create.  And it’s free.  It does not harm the planet.  Your fire, the light within you is the light of your Soul.  It is a powerful source of limitless energy, but you must tend it.  Do abhyanga daily.  Practice agni sara, uddiyana bandha, and ashwini mudra.   If you do not know what these things are, find out.  Ask your yoga teacher to show you. If he or she does not know, find another teacher.  Take time to sit, be still.  Meditate. Do prana dharana.Wait for the light to appear from within and then bath in its warmth.  Bath in the Light of the Divine Artist in you.