reconciliation

may I live with ease
past to present future good
bank account balanced

maitri

may i be happy

may i be safe.  may i be

strong and l live at ease

less than 24 hours

12 hours later –

stomach ocean calm.  mind squall

moves through tomorrow

.

 

food for the soul – Memphis style

fried chicken, pork chop

on the side, turnip greens, buttered

corn bread with honey

 

 

 

pacifying

sympathy and heart

for the human condition.

rain for the next ten days.

 

living

mindfulness is loving

all the details of your life

waking and sleeping

 

April 6 -One Year, One Day at a Time – No Alcohol for Forty Days and Forty Nights.

I need to take a  break from drinking.  I do not want to have cancer.  I hate how much money it costs to have cancer.  My victim mentality is trying to take over my life.  I will not let that happen.  As much as I loath the fact that I must make decisions about my treatment options, I will do it.  Having said that I know from experience the clearer I am the easier this process will be.  Drinking is no way to cope with cancer.  My old pattern of turning to a glass of wine and then another is up and running and it is my job to shut it down.  So as much as I do not want to do this I am going to put a cork in the bottle for the next 40 days.

Giving up anything for 40 days is a good practice no matter what the circumstances, but I think it will be especially useful for me now because it will eliminate the one thing I use to hide from myself and from reality.  Of course alcohol is a poor substitute for clarity and it certainly does lead to peace of mind.  It’s just a habit so deeply ingrained in me that when times get tough it surfaces and takes over.  What they say in AA is so true.  Drinking alcohol is a slippery slope for someone for me.  I had years of practice using alcoholic beverages to deal with problems.  Alcohol only makes all things worse, but its allure is the false sense of relief you get when you take that first sip.  But one sip is never enough especially when there are big problems.

The sick thing about me turning to alcohol now is that  it has not been a problem for past several months.  A glass or two of wine here and there.  Nothing more.  No compulsion to get intoxicated.  I don’t even like being drunk.  It sucks.  Then why do it now?  Good question, but I do not have the time nor the energy to deal with that line of inquiry.  Who knows why I or anyone else chooses to get intoxicated.  What difference does it make?  Rather than wallowing in the problem I am going straight to the solution. Just stop.  Okay good.  For forty days, April 6 through May 16, I will not consume any alcohol.

I am sure this will make for interesting blogging.  Whatever feelings I’ve been trying to avoid will surely surface sooner or later.  Loving kindness and compassion.  Patience, gratitude, peace of mind and well-being.  I love you Sarla.  I do.  We will get through this.

Thank You

I know you all care about me

that’s why you write

send me texts emails and cards

I love that

thank you

but I will not respond

to each of you individually

to Melanie, Barbara, Molly, Grace

Eric, Barrie, and others

thank you so very much

cancer is a bitch

but I am so much more

than the lump in my breast

okay good

let’s kick ass

cold snap

Tuesday night below

freezing we plan to cover

our garden with love

motivation

love confusion fear

darkness sunshine moonshine stars

wake up to what is