Joy in Your Heart

Sunlight blankets the driveway outside my kitchen window.  Light in its purest form reminds me to look inward, to listen, to glean from the Source, what I need to bring forth joy.  My parents never spoke of “joy.”  They used words like, “broke,” “spent,” “out of work,” and “too expensive.” These same themes played out in sentences like, “Money does not grow on trees.”  “You cannot make silk out of a sow’s ear.”  “You have champagne tastes and a beer wallet.” “Enough is enough.  I do not want to hear any more about what you want.” “You’re damn lucky there is food on the table.  Now shut up and eat.” “The children in China are starving.  Why are you complaining?” I cannot recall a time when the word “joy” was used by either one of my biological parents or their other partners, of which my mother had four and my father three.

Christmas was a lavish event, hundreds of presents stacked under the giant tree, but nonetheless joyless.  We six children tried to be patient amusing ourselves until early afternoon when my father finally dragged himself, grumpily out of bed.  “God damn kids.  Can’t get a minutes rest around here.  So much God damn noise,” he yelled casting his dark shadow over our shining faces.

“Daddy, when can we open our presents?”

“Selfish little brats.  Shut up.  I haven’t even had my coffee yet.”

Elaine, my stepmother, tried valiantly to appease.  “Be patient kids.  It will just be a few minutes more.”

When Daddy did sit down with us, he lit his pipe and watched in boredom as we tore into our gifts.  I played Santa, distributing the presents among my five siblings.  Seems not one of us ever got what we really wanted.  Daddy did most of the shopping.  What he bought was strictly governed by the sales he scouted out.  I always thought that the number of gifts under the tree meant more to my father than quality of the item or our satisfaction with it.  Christmas day inevitably ended in a screaming match between my father and Elaine.  He claiming she spent too much money on things we did not need, like clothes, and she desperately drawing attention to the money he wasted buying toys.  Elaine cooked a special Christmas meal and set a beautiful table.  Daddy ate on the couch watching TV.

As I sat, silently eating, I imagined being at Christmas’ elsewhere, enjoying the revelry, the love of families’ laughing, playing games and enjoying being together.  In the midst of our joyless holiday, I created imaginary happiness with make-believe parents.  I promised myself that I would one day have a happy family, one that made Christmas a time to be with friends and relatives, a family whose members loved and respected one another.  I have just such a family today. Tomorrow night on Christmas Eve we will gather here at my house, Jimmy and I, Katie, Greg and Amelia, and Jackie and Leah for our annual Christmas Eve dinner.  Jordan and his partner, Travis are in Virginia with Travis’ family.  On December 25th, Katie is hosting a brunch and present opening for our extending family.  Jimmy and I will probably go to a movie later in the day and then have dinner with our neighbors, Mark and David.  David’s whole family will be there.  Last night we had dinner for thirteen friends, a shower for Nichole who will give birth in January.

I live the lfe I imagined so many years ago.  My mother, father and Elaine are dead.  I am sorry they did not live to share our joy, to see our children grow, marry and have children of their own.  I like to think they would have been happy for me, for the life I have today.  I am grateful to them for giving me this life and for showing me what I did not want re-create.  I choose a life filled with resounding joy.   Even in the hardest times, when the darkness of the past threatens to swallow me alive, I choose to practice joy.  Like the Buddhist concept of Big Sky, I note that the sky is boundless, limitless. It contains everything that arises without stain. Even the horizon is only an apparent perceptual/conceptual boundary that can never be reached. Even on the cloudiest day, I know that above the clouds the sky is luminous, all pervading, limitless and free, just like the heart of a child, my heart and yours.

“Children are not born hating another person…..People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart.”

-Nelson Mandela, 1918-2013

Alcohol Zapped My Energy

Day 2 of sobriety.  I picked up my white chip this morning.  It felt good to stand in front of a group of other people and say, “I will not drink today.”

I enjoyed the morning with my grand baby, Amelia.  We played outside collecting pecans, swinging, working in the garden and walking the dog.  Then we hung Christmas lights around the house and Christmas stockings in front of the fireplace.  Finally we ran over to Pier One where I asked her to help me pick out some decorations for the house.

I drank heavily when my children were little and had very little interest in decorating for the holidays.  In fact, I was a real “Bah, Humbug” around holiday time.  But now with a grand child I want to be fully engaged in my life. So I decided to go all out and decorate BIG this Christmas.   I even bought candles for the menorah my husband’s mother gave us.

We lit five Hanukkah candles and said the blessing. “Baruch ata Ado-nai, Elo-heinu Melech ha’olam, Asher kid’shanu b’mitzvosav v’tzivanu l’hadlik ner shel Chanukah.”  I know tradition requires we wait until sunset and that this is the 6th day of Hanukkah but we wanted Amelia to understand her rich spiritual heritage.  She sang along with us.  We will light all six candles this evening.

While we were fixing lunch, I “took tired.”

I could hardly hold my head up.  We ate a quick meal of dal and non-gluten toast after which I laid down and went right to sleep.  Jimmy played with Amelia.  When I woke up, I remembered that every time I quit drinking, which I have done repeatedly, I do feel incredibly tired the first few days.  I also suffer from insomnia.  I was just reading online that both of these conditions accompany alcohol withdrawal.  Makes perfect sense to me.

The National Institute of Health sites these as the effects of alcohol.

Drinking too much – on a single occasion or over time – can take a serious toll on your health.  Here’s how alcohol can affect your body:

Brain:
Alcohol interferes with the brain’s communication pathways, and can affect the way the brain looks and works. These disruptions can change mood and behavior, and make it harder to think clearly and move with coordination.

Heart:
Drinking a lot over a long time or too much on a single occasion can damage the heart, causing problems including:

• Cardiomyopathy – Stretching and drooping of heart muscle
• Arrhythmias – Irregular heart beat
• Stroke
• High blood pressure

Research also shows that drinking moderates amount of alcohol may protect healthy adults from developing coronary heart disease.

Liver:
Heavy drinking takes a toll on the liver, and can lead to a variety of problems and liver inflammations including:

• Steatosis, or fatty liver
• Alcoholic hepatitis
• Fibrosis
• Cirrhosis

Pancreas:
Alcohol causes the pancreas to produce toxic substances that can eventually lead to pancreatitis, a dangerous inflammation and swelling of the blood vessels in the pancreas that prevents proper digestion.

Cancer:
Drinking too much alcohol can increase your risk of developing certain cancers, including cancers of the:

• Mouth
• Esophagus
• Throat
• Liver
• Breast

Immune System:
Drinking too much can weaken your immune system, making your body a much easier target for disease.  Chronic drinkers are more liable to contract diseases like pneumonia and tuberculosis than people who do not drink too much.  Drinking a lot on a single occasion slows your body’s ability to ward off infections – even up to 24 hours after getting drunk.

 All good reason for me not to drink today.