wringing my hands

I just noticed I was wringing my hands.  Today I am afraid to die.  Some days I am not afraid,  This is not the kind of fear that takes the form of anxiety.  I do not feel anxious.  Yesterday I was angry.  Some days I want to play the victim role, but it really no longer suits my personality or my level of understanding.  Life is a gift and to spend it in the role of the victim is such a waste.  So depressing, self-absorbed, lonely, whiny, always complaining about how had life is and what a bad rap I had as a kid.  So what?

My childhood does not define who I am today.  If it did I would be sitting in some bar drinking my lunch or I would be living on the streets like my brother.  Wringing again.  I just did it again.  I stopped writing to wring my hands.  What is up with that?

As I was driving down Waynoka today on my way home from Kroger, I had an ah hah moment.  My life is a miracle.  It is a miracle that I am alive today.  My mother, step-mother, father, grand mother, brother are all dead.  So are Jimmy’s parents and his sister.  Life is fleetingly wonderful, one Hell of a roller coaster ride.  I am not much for roller coasters, the ones at the fair that go straight up and then straight down.  Not so much.  It’s a little easier for me to ride the ups and downs of life, which even when they are brutally challenging, are never as extreme as the rush you get when hit the top of the ride and start flying down at a million miles per hour.  Too much.  Too fast.

I am more of a Goldie Locks kind of girl.  I want things to be just right, even if only for one nano second.  Just to say, “Yes, this is the bowl of porridge that I want.  It is just right.  Yes, this is the bed I want to sleep in with you.  I love you and I love our bed.  Yes, this is the chair I want to sit in and read.  I love to read.”  Life is good.  Right now, in this very moment, with my belly full of my home-made corn bread, life is really good.

WAKE UP TO WHAT YOU DO

awake and in truth

i pass through the door

“enter here”

i ask

“what best serves life”

present to this moment

aware but not limited to

my own feelings

i take up the way of meeting

others on equal ground

i take up the way of speaking

of others with openness and possibility

the beacon of light is on

i observe myself without changing

feelings, thoughts or sensations

reactionary patterns come into view

i ask

“how do these patterns serve me”

watching, looking, listening

in the car, at work, at home, in my dreams

i trust the power of awareness

i do not expect miracles

this is a journey

learning not to unconsciously respond

demands patience, observation and compassion

may i take up the way of cultivating a clear mind

Diane Rizzetto

Hello world. Day 11 of sobriety.

One day at a time.  We are all in this together.  More from Tao:

Suddenly, things snap into focus.

I’ve been pursuing unity all my life,

But could only glimpse the monstrous vision in fragments.

I has haunted me for years.

Each time I sighted it, I struggled to make it concrete.

At first, it seemed I only had a sculptor’s yard of unfinished figures –

Then it slowly began to make sense,

More and more this mystery life comes together.

It make take years more to reveal the whole.

That’s all right.

I am prepared to got the distance.

It goes on to say, “then with each step upon the path of Tao, your certainty rings from peak to peak.”  Wow, that is how I feel today.  I want to stand on the mountain top and shout out, I feel free.  I am grateful not to be drinking now, today.  What will tomorrow bring?  Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.  The world is not ours to see.  Que sera, sera.

In re-reading some of my morning pages from early September, I was struck by the number of references to alcohol.  Here are some examples.  9/9/13 – Drank so much damn alcohol over this past weekend.  It was as if I was floating in it.  Disgusting, gross.  9/10/13 – All I needed was that blow out weekend to realize how tired I am of drinking.  I am tired of relating to the world through the fog of alcohol.  9/22/13 – It is really no fun to have to much to drink.  No off button.  No alcohol tonight or tomorrow.  Give it a rest. 9/25/13 – No more alcohol.  Not today.  Not tomorrow.  Groggy.  woke up in the middle of the night.  Drinking is not the answer.   9/28/13 – Do not really like drinking anymore..  I do it to be social.  9/29/12 – Do not love my relationship to alcohol.  10/2/13 – So you drank too much again last night.  How does that make you feel?  do you feel food about yourself?  Does it add pep to your step?  Do you feel more alive, more energetic?  When are you going to wake up and stop this?  I cannot believe you think alcohol enhances your life in any way.  Fucking alcohol.  Walk away from it.  10/29/13 – Need a break from alcohol.  Going forward on Sundays and Mondays, no drinking.  10/30/13 – Definitely starting today.  Ask for help.  Divine Mother take away my desire to drink. Guide me into the light.  Let me see the world through clear eyes and an  open heart. No alcohol.  Okay good., My body is screaming at me, please no more alcohol.

Wow, so glad I have this record of the past few months.  There is so much more, but the message remains the same.  Quit drinking.  I cannot say I will never drink again, but I will not drink today.  Divine Mother, thank you for another day of sobriety.  I am so incredibly grateful.  Words cannot express the relief I feel, the joy, and the exuberance.  Life is good.