lost perspective

endless dark tunnel;

the victim’s story told time

and again.  mole hole.

wringing my hands

I just noticed I was wringing my hands.  Today I am afraid to die.  Some days I am not afraid,  This is not the kind of fear that takes the form of anxiety.  I do not feel anxious.  Yesterday I was angry.  Some days I want to play the victim role, but it really no longer suits my personality or my level of understanding.  Life is a gift and to spend it in the role of the victim is such a waste.  So depressing, self-absorbed, lonely, whiny, always complaining about how had life is and what a bad rap I had as a kid.  So what?

My childhood does not define who I am today.  If it did I would be sitting in some bar drinking my lunch or I would be living on the streets like my brother.  Wringing again.  I just did it again.  I stopped writing to wring my hands.  What is up with that?

As I was driving down Waynoka today on my way home from Kroger, I had an ah hah moment.  My life is a miracle.  It is a miracle that I am alive today.  My mother, step-mother, father, grand mother, brother are all dead.  So are Jimmy’s parents and his sister.  Life is fleetingly wonderful, one Hell of a roller coaster ride.  I am not much for roller coasters, the ones at the fair that go straight up and then straight down.  Not so much.  It’s a little easier for me to ride the ups and downs of life, which even when they are brutally challenging, are never as extreme as the rush you get when hit the top of the ride and start flying down at a million miles per hour.  Too much.  Too fast.

I am more of a Goldie Locks kind of girl.  I want things to be just right, even if only for one nano second.  Just to say, “Yes, this is the bowl of porridge that I want.  It is just right.  Yes, this is the bed I want to sleep in with you.  I love you and I love our bed.  Yes, this is the chair I want to sit in and read.  I love to read.”  Life is good.  Right now, in this very moment, with my belly full of my home-made corn bread, life is really good.